Luck With a Capital F

Beware of Marmots in Groundhogs' Clothing

2010-02-01T15:30:00.002-06:00

Watch out, Phil! There's a marmot on your tail!

Governor Palin did so much for Alaska - she gave it Marmot Day. No wonder she stepped down - there was nothing left to do.

2010-01-30T05:04:00.002-06:00

Up for the 4:45 Percocet. Drummer Guy's surgery went well. Maybe I'll give him one, too.

Punxsutawney Phil Releases Letter to PETA

2010-01-28T14:40:00.005-06:00

With regard to this news item

Dear PETA,

I know you're only thinking of me. When you say "Groundhogs are typically shy animals" you are absolutely correct. My cousin Elliot is crazy shy. Like "needs-meds" shy. Like "can't-even-get-with-a-blind-squirrel-on-St. Paddy's Day" shy. Me, not so much. I'm pretty happy to be yanked out of my burrow - I mean it's only once a year. I get hoisted in the air - it's kind of like I'm Simba. Sure, the guy in the top hot has cold hands. But have you seen the crowds? Thousands of people come to see me! Last year Al Roker kissed me! (Okay, put that one in the pro-animatronic category.) Seriously, you cannot buy this kind of coverage. (I'm working on a plan with Archer Daniels Midland to bleach a logo on my fur.)

Besides, did you hear what William Deeley, president of the Inner Circle of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, replied? He said I am "being treated better than the average child in Pennsylvania." You KNOW that's true. If you don't believe it, look at the tooth decay rate here - I mean, Hershey's AND Peeps from the same state?! Taylor Swift's blinding white chiclet teeth didn't come from being raised in Reading, PA, I'll tell you that much.

The final word to you, PETA - go after some other animal's holiday. I hear the Easter Bunny is pretty pissed off - go work for him. Leave me my one day.

Love always,

Punxsutawney Phil

Comcast = Scam Cot

2010-01-27T10:30:00.007-06:00

A. Reason Number 74 Why Cable Companies Stink:
Hmmm... well Comcast, in its infinite wisdom, decided that my cable modem was suddenly obsolete. Yes, it was working just fine, but you know, it WAS 6 years old. So, when I went to get online, I got a lovely message that read "We, the flusterclucks of Comcast, have determined that you can no longer use your perfectly suitable modem. We're only thinking of you. It's for your own good. This hurts us more than it hurts you. Love, Comcast. P.S. If you leased your equipment from us, this kind of crap would never happen."

No internet access for A WHOLE DAY!!

Sigh. Well, I have a blistering fast new cable modem and big ol' hole in my pocket.

B. Today is First Day of the Rest of Your Life, Brine Shrimp

The dog experiment is over (thank you, Jesus!) and my son's science fair experiment begins this afternoon. Will the hatch rate of brine shrimp be affected by exposure to light? Yes, Lone Reader, he's doing an experiment on brine shrimp. NOT SEA MONKEYS, which are a righteous rip-off. See previous post here.

C. Looks like Drummer Guy has a hernia and it needs surgical repair, soon. Oh health care reform, you distant chimera...when oh when will we know relief?

D. It's 5 degrees outside and it feels like 4 degrees in my house. Really, I'm ready for the end of winter.

E. Something happy, you request?
Hmm... is it this news story on PETA's request for a robot Punxsutawney Phil? Perhaps the news that the BEST cupcakes in the Twin Cities are going to be available one day a week right down the street from my house? No, silly...it's the Apple tablet!!

Fight the Power, Lone Reader!
Love,
Velma

Pocket Hercules

2010-01-21T19:36:00.003-06:00

Sigh. I LOVED Pocket Hercules. Do you remember him? His real name was Naim Suleymanoglu. He was the tiny weightlifter from Turkey who won three gold medals in the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta. He weighed 136 lbs, was a mere 4’ 11” and could lift three times his body weight.

Don’t get me wrong, Lone Reader – this gal is no fan of weightlifting in general. (The bulgi-ness! The oil! The tight uniforms! Wait a minute…) Naim Suleymanoglu captured the world’s attention for a moment and Pocket Hercules became a celeb of the moment at the Olympics.

I love the idea of something super small and super strong – it’s like the Ant and the Aardvark in between Pink Panther cartoons. That was way better than the Pink Panther, if you ask me. (No one did. –Ed.)

Tomorrow I'll write about the make-believe world of super-sized insects. Maybe. For now, I gaze warm heartedly upon Pocket Hercules, that wee li'l fellow.

2010-01-19T19:22:00.004-06:00

Getting ready for book club at my house tonight. The book was "History of Love" by Nicole Krauss. I didn't love it. Well, I sorta loved it while I was reading it, then as soon as it ended I thought, "Meh." Don't get me wrong, I love a nonlinear narrative as much as the next bloke, but when you need an index card cheat sheet to remember who's who, well then...you might as well be reading Dickens. And it's BOOK CLUB. I did, howver, enjoy reading reviews of the book. I had no idea that Nicole Krauss was part of a literary übercouple...her husband is Jonathan Safran Foer, author of "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close". (Above is a photo of them Park Slope-n'-it-up with baby Sasha an couple of years ago.) Apparently, she don't discuss the home life much and is a little defensive about both she and Jonathan publishing books within one month of each other that deal with WWII survivors who move to America and have non-linear flashbacks. I'm just sayin', if you're havin' lunch with the girl, don't bring it up.

My picks for books have been pretty mixed, I must admit. I picked John Banville's "The Sea" a phenomenal, grand book about an old man remember his life. Nothing happens and at least once a page one needs to find a good thick dictionary. Tasty for me and a couple of others in the group, but many were put off by a) the really dense writing and b) the lack of any discernable plot. I picked "Blindness" a fast, engaging read that was liked and a Sherman Alexie book that wasn't liked. What can you do, man? Sometimes you hit it, and sometimes you just need to quit it.

*************

Do you remember Audra Lee from Kid's Beat? You do?! "I'm Audra Lee! See you next time on Kid's Beat!" It was a one-minute, fluffy news program that was on TBS in the 80s.

She's grown up and working in television production now, at least according to iMDb It's nice to see she didn't go the Dano Plato route. That said, I guess she could still pop up on "Celebrity Rehab." I know she's not on the same level as say, Joey Kovar from Real World #322, but a girl can dream.

Stay classy, Audra Lee!

Been a long time, Lone Reader!

2010-01-18T19:36:00.003-06:00

Holy mackerel. There has been a fair amount of crazy in the past few months. Every member of my household got very sick, one after another. (We're well now.) A family member was diagnosed with pretty serious breast cancer around Thanksgiving. My blind, geriatric Pomeranian appears to be going deaf now, which is forcing me to consider when the big sleep might be. Another family member broke her leg. On the plus side, I now have health insurance and I'm getting married at the end of the summer. The nonprofit I work for hit all its financial goals in 2009, despite the economy. The kids had a good Christmas and we had a typical New Year's Eve - fun 'til somebody gets hurt.

I must admit that both twitter and facebook have taken my attention from you, Lone Reader, but you were always there...so many little blog notes litter my desktop about funny topics and crazy stories. I'm back, my babies, and I've missed you.

Let's be our glorious selves again, shall we?

OMG

2009-10-14T20:56:00.001-05:00

So much sickness, Lone Reader. Tell me what the outside looks like...I cain't 'member.

What's for supper...Ma?

2009-09-28T08:12:00.003-05:00

Sigh -it was a race out the door this morning. Dontcha hate that feeling?

It's a blustery, cold day here and my yard is full of forlorn tree branches, ripped from their rightful places. Seems like a good day to work from home and sip tea. or bourbon.

This house is over 100 years old. It does not care for the sudden swerve of autumn to avoid hitting winter head on. AIr conditioners must be moved, radiators drained, mice welcomed with tiny doormats and soft beds. (Remember in Tom & Jerry how nicely appointed Jerry's home was? Something like that.)

It feels melancholy in here, but not in a bad way...perhaps I'll watch the Donner Party DVD later today. (She's wearing it out. -Ed.)

Welcome to the fall, Lone Reader.

Home again, home again, jiggedy jig.

2009-09-21T15:39:00.003-05:00

Home as of yesterday from the Chequamegon Fat Tire Race, where my brother-in-law came in 50th in his division. (1,740 riders finished the race.) Yay - that was super exciting to watch and really an amazing feat. I also shot some tasty pix at the event, which was pretty kuhl 2.

Sadly, I am now ill. I think it's just a cold that sounds bad, but let me tell you - when you're in the Norske Nook, enjoying some delicious pie and you're sneezing every few minutes, people tend to look atcha a lot. I felt like screaming, "H1 N1! Protect yourselves!!"

I didn't. I don't have swine flu...it's just a poorly-timed cold.

More soon, love.

Velma

I'm so outta here...

2009-09-17T08:33:00.003-05:00

Off to the Chequamegon National Forest for the big Fat Tire Festival. My bro-in-law rides in it every year, and normally it's the same weekend as my big fundraiser at work. This year, the Jewish calendar intervened, the fundraiser got moved et voilå! We can go. Today the car gets packed and we take off to the woods.

I'll catch you on the flipside, Lone Reader. Stay classy, San Diego!

Love, Velma

P.S. The pic is apropos of nothing. Jeremy Messersmith posted it on his facebook awhile ago and I thought it was funny.

P.P.S. If you're an artist who recently made a bet with me, you owe me a drink, my friend. A $9.90 drink, at that. Don't think I'll forget either.

P.P.P.S. You look really great today!

Best Stranded on Tarmac Moment

2009-09-15T20:57:00.002-05:00

Well Lone Reader, one time when I was flying to Cheyenne by way of Denver, we got stuck for awhile on the runway. (Not really news there. -Ed.) It was close to the Fourth of July. It was hot. The flight attendants were scrambling to entertain us.

This was interesting to me. I've been on stalled flights a zillion times. (Exaggeration, given that the woman never leaves a 15-mile radius of her house. -Ed.) Since when does the flight crew feel the need to perform for us? And yet...they told jokes, played a trivia game, asked us questions via intercom. At one point a flight attendant said, "I know! A bottle of booze to the first person to sing the National Anthem!" (Her exact words.) Two different people stood up and tried but stumbled a few lines in. I stood in the aisle and belted out a respectful, yet soulful version of the world's worst example of nationalism in song.

I received a large bottle of fairly bad champagne. It tasted briney and sweet at the same time, especially not recommended for pairings with tiny pretzels or Biscoff cookies. I was the superstar of the plane though, the girl who sang the national anthem on flight 1283 to Denver.

From My Mom & Dad's Bookcase

2009-09-14T13:31:00.002-05:00

When I was a kid I was a voracious reader and, after reading all the Nancy Drew/Tree Grows in Brooklyn/Judy Blume books that were available at school, I raced through my parents’ bookshelves as well. Adult books I loved as a child included: Dummy. Alive. Sybil. Coma. Night.

My parents also owned books with more than one-word titles. I read The Autobiography of Malcolm X when I was 10. I loved it so much I carried it with me around for about a year. My conservative grandparents were visiting once when I asked my mom, “Hey – what’s a doobie?” because I had read it in that book. (Grandma didn’t seem to get the reference either, but then again, she’s the same woman who once told me that “Gay was still a good word and I should let anyone tell me otherwise.”)

My dad wasn’t much of a reader, but we always had copies of the Whole Earth Catalog and a lot of the Foxfire books. (If you want to learn how to build a dulcimer or butcher a hog, that’s where to start.)

Our Bodies, Ourselves taught a young girl a hell of a lot more than she would need to know for many years yet.

There were some real dreck on those shelves - I read some horrid books about Merlin called The Crystal Cave series. (They were horrible to me even then.) I read the Amityville Horror when I was 10 and Mommie Dearest when I was 12.

The moral is this: Read whatever you can get your hands on, kiddies. Even the liner notes from Herman’s Hermits Greatest Hits could feed you nuggets of information that you’ll draw from for the rest of your days.

What's Goin' On?

2009-09-14T10:24:00.004-05:00

Lone Reader! It’s been so long! What has happened since our one-sided dialogue went on hiatus?

Hmmm…a visit from a dear friend, another friend bought a house and yet another adopted a baby. School started, I learned a few new acronyms, went to karaoke birthdays, work, work and more work.

I read Year of Wonders by Geraldine Brooks, a novel about a 17th c. plague village in England. Good, not great. I’m currently reading Loving Frank by Nancy Horan. Jury’s still out, since I’m only 40 pages in.

I saw numerous movies including Chicago & Little Shop of Horrors (karaoke puts one in the mind of movie musicals) Frozen River (LOVED it), Mama Mia, 500 Days of Summer, Up, Funny People and A Perfect Getaway. Back to Little Shop of Horrors, I adore Ellen Greene. Sigh.

Karaoke songs sung:
River Deep, Mountain High (Tina Turner)
Tempted (Squeeze)
Fever (Peggy Lee)
What’s Up (4 Non Blondes)
Joey (Concrete Blonde)
Voices Carry (Til Tuesday)

My sister, brother, brother-in-law and niece all rode bikes in a fundraiser last weekend, raising money to fight pancreatic cancer. I’m proud of them, and consider myself part of the team, but will not be getting on a bike anytime soon. (Bring back the dance marathon and I’ll do it.)

Now the kids are back in school, the fundraiser is over at work and I’m back to a semblance of my normal self. This weekend I’m driving to the Chequamegon Fat Tire Festival with the kids. Should be fun and a much-needed break.

What’ve you been up to, Lone Reader? Has summer crept to a close for you or are you still going full-tilt as we head into the brief MN autumn?

You know I’ve missed you so. More soon and we’ll get back to where we once belonged. (from a facebook friend: “How many times am I expected to buy THE SAME DAMN Beatles songs on CD?”)

Stay the course, sweet baby!

A River Runs Through It

2009-08-06T09:00:00.006-05:00

When we first moved to the Twin Cities, I was mystified by ramifications of the Mighty Mississippi in our midst.

Remember, Lone Reader, that I was raised by East Coast liberals who dragged their children to various places in Oklahoma and Kansas as they sought…hmm…what? They never really cared about greener grass. Peace from their own parents? Big sky country? Freedom from the long arm of the law? I dunno. One can see making the move from the ivy-laden confines of Cornell and Ithaca to the University of Oklahoma for one’s first professorial gig. A sad move, but an understandable one. Why, however, did we live in 3 houses in 4 years? And that’s right, one of those houses was on the edge of a reservation. (It WAS the thing to do in the 70s – send your kids to a reservation school.)

Alas, Lone Reader, I digress. As we moved around the lower Midwest, the constant was “going home” the biannual trek to New Jersey and New York. Every summer and over the winter holidays, we would pack up for the East Coast. While there, my parents would stock up on things one couldn’t get in the Midwest – Spatini spaghetti sauce seasoning, Red Rose tea and raisin biscuits.

What did it mean, then, I mused upon arrival in the Twin Cities, to live in a place where items where available only ‘east of the Mississippi’? Did one half of the metro have Dryer’s ice cream and the others ate Edy’s? Was the a black market of traders along the bridge swapping Hellmann’s and Best jars of mayonnaise in unmarked packages?

Eventually the river that turns one metro into two (among other things – Ed.) became commonplace…so much so that when a visitor said, “Take me down to the Mississippi” I replied, “We’re over it right now on the bridge – do you mean closer?”

Yes, river life’s got its own pace and it’s fast around here. But I still get a thrill when I find a jar of real Marshmallow Fluff on the grocery store shelves.

Happy Thursday, Lone Reader!

And all the herring you can eat...

2009-08-05T13:37:00.004-05:00

Photo by John Doman, Pioneer Press

Sparky the Sea Lion died. He was 31, which is crazy old in the sea lion world.

Back in the day, I was a video teacher for the local cable access station. I used to certify people on the three-chip cameras and I used to teach video to summer school students. In a desperate attempt to find a project for one of the add-on classes, I decided we’d do a remote shoot. A documentary about the long-time trainer at the Sparky the Sea Lion show, Norm Byng.

Mr. Byng had been working as a trainer at the Como Zoo in St. Paul for 20 years. My group of Hmong girls and I called him, he agreed to be interviewed and we set up a time to tape the Sparky show, along with his commentary, and ask him questions afterward. We prepped interview questions and finally met up with Mr. Byng. It was hard enough getting the girls to speak on camera…it was a nightmare interviewing the trainer.

Mumbling girl: How hasmdnthe reljrjmbrlsn?
Byng: What?
Me: Cut.

Replay that about 17 times.

The end knowledge that we gleaned was that the Sparky show had not changed in 20 years. Mr. Byng said the kids would know if even a word was changed, so he had said the exact same words, four times a day for two decades. That might’ve explained his deadpan, monotone delivery. He looked like lovechild of Nick Nolte and the Skipper and he had the vocal charms of Tom Carvel, yet he was beloved.

I don’t know if Norm Byng is still of this world, but today we mourn the Sparky that so many of us remember. He is saving baby dolls and balancing beach balls in the sweet hereafter.

The Everchangin' Days of Blogs and Roses

2009-08-02T12:26:00.003-05:00

Hmm…well Lone Reader, I find myself in a bit of a pickle. I recently discovered that, despite my cagey maneuvers, relatives are reading this blog and it makes me feel weird. (Velma seems to have missed the “You Know Anyone Can Read This, Right?” day at the blog seminar…Ed.) Is it that my outrageous double-life will finally see the light of day? Nah – I’m cool with that. Do I reveal secrets that were never meant to be blogged about? No. (Rosebud is a sled, Soylent Green is people and Sylvia Poggioli is really a man – Ira Glass told me so.)

I guess I thought of this a place to vent and maybe that’s not what it’s going to be anymore. Sigh.

More soon and love always,

Velma

Free At Last!

2009-07-14T08:04:00.002-05:00

Yay! Birthday time has ended! My mom's birthday was last night, thus bringing to an end the carnival of crazy. (In case you didn't know, my mom, both kids and I were born in the first two weeks of July. ..different years.) I'm so happy to not be making a cake today!!

Random things:

1. I had my first ever real martini on Sunday. (Clarification - I've had a BLT-ini, made with bacon vodka, and a lemon fizz martini, which I loved until the bartender sent a fresh one to me with the message "Sorry! The server grabbed it away before I put the gin in...")

Guess what? Martinis stink! (To me, anyway.) But it is true what Video Bob said - by the second half of the drink it tastes better.

2. You would not BELIEVE how big the marshmallows are these days. These are super gigante marshmallows from the Mexican supermarket. Dang O'Dell - that's large!

3. I heard an eight-year-old scream "Fire in the hole!" whilst rearing back a pitch containing said gigante marshmallows. Sigh. And when is your dad coming to pick you up from this play date, young lad?

Alright, Lone Reader, I must work. I have three grants due this week. Sigh. Keep your eyes on the prize and a marshmallow in each fist.

Love, Velma

Best Bacon EVER & Other Food Notes

2009-07-09T19:50:00.006-05:00

If you find yourself anywhere near the Saint Paul Farmer's Market, get yourself some Chase Brook Natural Farm bacon. DANG! It's some serious good bacon - almost like tiny little bacon steaks. Everyone in the house loved it. Plus you can feel better about it because it's a small family-run farm that practices humane, low stress farming and does rotational grazing. (See? I read my Michael Pollan books!) One cooking note: Because the bacon is thick and pretty lean, it does take a little more time and a little lower temp to cook to perfection.

The gluten-free Devil's food cake mix from Betty Crocker was good! It is a smidge sweeter than a regular cake, so I made a cream cheese frosting with a little less sugar and a tablespoon of buttermilk added. Buy two boxes if you're making a layer cake - each box makes a pretty tall 9" layer. I also lined the bottom of the pans with parchment circles, just 'cause I didn't want to take the chance of a crumbly cake for a party of 12. As mentioned before, the flavor improves the second day, so make it in advance. I layered them with raspberries and it was dang tasty and not noted by anyone to be gluten-free.

Costco has organic strawberries!! Yay!

The Lund's by my work has the most remarkable selection of salads and sandwiches. One really has to restrain oneself. (By looking at the price tags...)

On the list of things I'm loving right now: quinoa, fennel, Surly Furious and you, Lone Reader!

Birthday Mania, Part 26

2009-07-09T11:32:00.002-05:00

Today I am making the lego-filled Lego piñata. Tomorrow, the Lego cake. This, Lone Reader, is the last year of the home parties. The kids are getting too cool for this home-spun fun. Today I'm sad about that, but ask me on Saturday afternoon and I'll be delighted.

He's Drivin' That Big Weinermobile in the Sky...

2009-07-09T08:17:00.002-05:00

On Monday, Oscar Mayer died. He was 95. Whatever is in the hot dogs can't be THAT bad for you...

OMG! It's my birthday!

2009-07-07T23:57:00.004-05:00

In honor of the anniversary of my birth, I am again going to start the bacon vodka. Tonight, I cook 1/2 lb. of bacon and add to an insanely large container of Svedka vodka obtained from the font of all things large, Costco.

If you play your cards right, Lone Reader, I'll ask you over for a beautiful BLT-ini in three weeks. Yum. I think it'll be even better than last time, if only because I'm gonna throw some peppercorns in the vodka as well. Plus, tomatoes are in season, which will make the tomato water that much better. (I must add a note of caution here: the tomato water was the most onerous part of this project.)

Luv Ya, Lone Reader!

No More Regal Beagle for You.

2009-07-07T12:27:00.002-05:00

Joyce DeWitt (of Three's Company and the following two decades of bitterness) was arrested on the Fourth of July for a DUI. Was she driven over the edge by the death of Michael Jackson? Was it perhaps the news that the latest Suzanne Somers cruise is filling up fast? Or perhaps a little too much celebrating about the latest Senator from MN? We may never know.

The Birthday Marathon continues...

2009-07-05T08:23:00.005-05:00

Well, Lone Reader, I’m getting ready for my daughter’s friend party. We’re going to Vertical Endeavors, a huge indoor rock climbing place. It’s hard to have a birthday so close to the Fourth of July…there are inevitably a lot of cancellations and missing RSVPs due to travel, etc. I’m paying for eight 11-year-old girls to climb and I think only 4 will be there. Sigh…it’s just money, right?

Yesterday we had a lovely Fourth with all the traditional accoutrements…Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest on ESPN, followed by a cookout and then fireworks and frivolity at my sister’s house. Joey Chesnut not only kept the title and the Mustard Belt by beating Takeru Kobayashi, but he also broke the world record by eating 68 dogs in the 10-minute regulation time. Afterwards he said he thought he could've hit 70 (the Holy Grail of competitive doggery) but the buns weren't going down easily. Haven't we all been there, my friend.

I DIDN’T go see Elvis Costello at Taste of MN last night. Sad. I know he was counting on me. Perhaps he’ll show up at the rock climbing today. If he does, he's free. (Diana Krall can pay.)

This coming week I have three parties to host and four grants to write. Dang O’Dell, the first two weeks of July kick my fanny. On the plus side, our new dog is a delight. His name is Emmett and he is too fine. Now if I can teach him to make birthday cakes or write grants, we’ll be golden.

In the interest of playing cupid, I post this from the Twin Cities’ craiglist ‘Missed Encounters’:

Judas Priest on Friday - m4w - 41 (Shoreview)
You: Black halter, Levi shorts, long black curls, 23 years old. Enjoying your very first Priest show with lots of Photos.
Me: Older concert-veteran with the Danzig shirt, goofy beard and the set-list on my phone.

Really had a great time seeing you enjoy the show so much. Your excitement and enthusiasm were catchy, and I felt 20-years younger. Thanks! You told me the name of a band to check out their Priest cover, and I've forgotten it...

Sir, if you’re 41 and a 23-year-old speaks to you, consider that your date.

Off to make a chocolate buttercream frosting…I'll NOT be making the cake pictured above.

Keep hope alive! Joey Chestnut rules, Kobayashi drools!

UPMC (Update after a Pomegranate Mojito and Cake)

2009-07-02T23:27:00.003-05:00

Well, I've survived birthday number one, Lone Reader. My daughter's actual birthday was today. Her friend party is on Sunday. The family party is on Monday, my birthday is on Wednesday, my son's birthday is on Friday next week and his friend party on Saturday. Holy diabetic coma.

I tested a gluten-free cake mix today - I was in Byerly's and saw a Betty Crocker devil's food cake mix. I want to make a gluten-free cake for the family party because I have a niece with gluten intolerance, and wouldn't it be nice to not have to have her bring a separate dessert? Anyway, I made the cake and it was okay. I don't really like chocolate cake or cake mix cakes, so I guess, given that, it was fine. I'm gonna doctor it up with fresh raspberries, buttermilk and cream cheese frosting.

I'm also going to begin a new batch of bacon vodka. The BLT-inis shall be fine - this is a better time of year for the tomato water.

I'm not going to see Elvis Costello this weekend at the Taste of Minnesota. Here's the deal: I'm a little leary of seeing someone whose music I love in a festival setting. Ya know - a sea of drunks, none of whom give a bleep about anything except a drug-induced stupor and their crazy loud friends. (You'd think she'd be used to be used to this from her upbringing. - Ed.) It makes me sad to miss my beloved Elvis, but we'll always have that special moment behind Memorial Hall. Sigh. And again, I'm legal now, Mr. Costello.

Missing you, Lone Reader...why don't you call anymore? Is it the many bizarre texts I've sent? I'm back on my meds, so no worries. In the words of one of my internet stalkers, "If you send me a picture for my cell phone, I promise I'll leave you alone."

Let Us Eat Cake!

2009-07-01T09:55:00.003-05:00

It's funny how fast the backpedal begins - during November's election, we heard the chant of "60! 60!" as the magic number needed in the Senate. Now that we've got it (thank you Big Al!) the spin goes the other way. A story in the Huffington Post quotes an anonymous Democratic operative as saying, "Sixty is an imaginary number." Dude! We just got our Senator after 8 months of handwringing, vote-counting agony. Let us have our glory for more than a few hours!

Here's a link to Steve Martin dressing like Michael Jackson, dancing to 'Billy Jean'. Way weird.

One of the WORST songs to have stuck in your head? WIlson Phillips "Hold On for One More Day" Sweet Jesus, help me.

Antiques Roadshow just had its first $1 million discovery. "For 13 years, we've been hoping to feature a million-dollar appraisal on 'Antiques Roadshow;' it's been our 'Great White Whale,'" executive producer Marsha Bemko said. This is exhibit A. why it didn't work out for me in public television.

Birthday month is commencing here at the Shack deWhack. Both of my kids, my mother and I were all born in the first two weeks of July. Apparently October is a good month for gettin' busy in my family.

Let the wild rumpus begin, Lone Reader!

I'm Back!!

2009-06-30T22:52:00.002-05:00

What was I doing whilst away? Take a guess…

a) NOT hiking the Appalachian trail
b) selling Demerol in LA
c) moving a drummer into my house
d) giving birth to SJP’s twins

It’s a trick question – they’re ALL true! I’m back with a twinkle in my eye, a lilt in my voice and an enemy in my freezer. AND a new senator!! What a day!

Happy July, Lone Reader!

What Would Cheesus Do?

2009-05-20T10:11:00.004-05:00

A Texas couple discovered a Cheeto shaped like Jesus. Mmmm...sacrilicious. Photo by Christina Barany.

Words that Velma cannot stand

2009-05-19T19:47:00.002-05:00

I have had two employers, in two different cities, who both forbade the word “brainstorm” in the office. One of those two also told me to never use the word “innovative” in his presence. (Believe me Sir, it never crossed my mind.)

Are there words or phrases you simply cannot stand, Lone Reader, whether for overuse, misuse or just plain ol’ irritation factor?

Here’s my list:
Whatever (used with exasperation)
too much information 
 my bad 
 LOL 
phone tag 
ginormous
  IMHO/IMAO
 ______Czar
perfect storm
bro
vetted
über________
pantry
literally
sexting
irregardless
ointment
crevice
bucket list
chortle
guesstimate
slither
and the worst word in the English language: smegma.

Don’t drink the Kool-Aid, Lone Reader!

Good Ol' Summertime

2009-05-18T18:38:00.005-05:00

Holy mackerel, Lone Reader - this has been a whacked out few days. I have pulled muscles lifting heavy things, taken several bags of belonging to Goodwill ("What's that you say, child? Your Furby is missing? Do tell...") and begun to watch Motel Hell on DVD. I say begun to watch because I fell asleep about halfway through. That is one weird flick, man.

School is wrapping up for the young 'uns and thus brings to mind the lovely summers of my youth...dawdling in the dappled meadow, silently sketching dragonflies in the glen...oh wait...that was on the Waltons. My summers were spent fighting with my brother and praying for the rapture that would save me from from the commoners and plebeians of Little Axe, Oklahoma.

My kids have three weeks of day camps lined up. This, Lone Reader, will not be sufficient time in which to ply my trade. Sigh. What to do...shall I set up a "Do Your Own Damn Laundry Day Camp" in my basement? Perhaps.

Stay classy! Don't let Grandpa at the rheumatiz medicine!

Campbell's Soylent Green Soup

2009-05-18T11:15:00.002-05:00

From the category of Ewww...

A worker in Germany has died after being boiled alive in an industrial soup vat.

The worker was scrubbing the inside of the 6′ 6″ pot when the lid accidentally shut, triggering an automatic process of adding boiling water to the pot. Several hours later, the man was found well-done and floating in a broth redolent of Kartoffelsuppe, a classic German potato soup.

The factory, a subsidiary of American soup giant Campbell’s, has been provisionally closed while an investigation takes place.

You Lookin' At Me?

2009-05-11T11:02:00.002-05:00

You know what’s weird? When they change a popular bus route for that mainstay of the Twin Cities’ summer – road construction. The Selby Ave bus now goes down Marshall. This means that each time I drop the kids off at school I am ceremoniously greeted by throngs of anxious proletariats, congregating on seemingly random street corners, expectantly gazing eastward as the minivans roll by.

The first few days I thought, “What the Hell are YOU lookin’ at?” (Okay, sometimes I still think that…)

Happy Mother's Day!

2009-05-10T08:12:00.004-05:00

Lest you think that my Mothers' Day must involve bacon, I give this:

I just had the most divine breakfast - an apple muffin and a Tab with ice. It was delivered by two singing children, along with cards and sweet homemade gifts. I am so in love with these kids.

And to the crafty moms out there, here's a funny picture from an old knitting book.

Happy Mothers' Day, Lone Reader!

Sigh.

2009-05-05T10:09:00.002-05:00

My 7-year-old son is undergoing testing for cognitive processing disorders. We have spent 9.5 hours in academic testing in the past week. It is really, really hard on him. Between filling out reams of questionnaires, making copies of every paper he's ever laid a hand on in school and explaining the entire thing again and again, I’m so beat down. I need several days in an isolation tank. Got one, Lone Reader? And are you coming over here to clean my house? ('Cuz I kinda think you promised...)

Amalgam w/ bad counting

2009-05-01T13:02:00.005-05:00

Number 1: Yes, it's true! You can now purchase a Tramp Stamp Barbie!

Numero Deux: I LOVE this installation by Luzinterruptus at The Prado.

Okay, I didn't see it, but I LOVE the pictures from it. I'm kind of a sucker for art that uses plastic bags, I admit. I once witnessed a beautiful dance on the banks of the Mississippi in which 40 people performed with plastic grocery bags. It was maybe a decade ago and I can still see how the one woman looked when she turned to the wind, her arms outstretched and the blue plastic billowing above her head.

4. On Fridays I can't count right.

17. Wuzzon for this weekend, you might ask? Some museum time at the Weisman, going to see the newly installed cherry in the Mpls. Sculpture Garden. (I've taken SO many pictures of forlorn visitors, gazing longingly at the spoonbridge with no cherry.) I'm also getting ready for the garage sale of the century - man, that's a lot of work. Oh, and playing outside. And of course, writing to you Lone Reader, you li'l devil, you.

Happy weekend! Love,
Velma

Sticky Ursine Love

2009-04-29T14:01:00.003-05:00

Believe it or not, this comes from the Star Tribune...I'd say it's a slow news day, but is there such a thing anymore? (It's a snoutbreak!)

Wyo. police arrest woman after finding her in hotel room with barrel of cinnamon bear candies

What can we learn from this story, Lone Reader? 1) Don't call 911 after stealing something. 2) Don't eat at a place called "Poor Boys Steak House." 3) My sister, who loves cinnamon bears, is not alone.

Two Shorts

2009-04-28T08:57:00.003-05:00

Two short things:

1. I didn’t take driver’s Ed. I was taught to drive by my college boyfriend’s best friend in his 1967 Mustang. Later, when that very friend was now my boyfriend (oh, the drama, Lone Reader!) he taught me to drive stick shift on his old MG. If you can drive a cruddy old MG, you can drive about anything.

One of the high school driving teachers was known for telling students not to drive over a paper bag in the road. He told the girls to imagine that it was a bag full of kittens. He told the boys to picture a bag full of bricks. Why? Because girls don’t want to hurt kittens, and boys don’t want to jack up their cars.

2. Things I’m sick of:
Swine flu
Norm Coleman
Susan Boyle
American Idol
D’Amico & Sons
Pirates

Happy Tuesday, Lone Reader! Luv ya!

The Twine Ball Part I

2009-04-14T09:15:00.005-05:00

I loaded up the family over Spring Break and headed for Darwin, MN – home of the Largest Ball of Twine assembled by one person. It’s a fairly boring drive, straight out west of the Twin Cities, but as we approached the twine ball we sensed the change in the air. “What’s that smell?” I murmured. “Sisal” answered the westerly breeze.

Yes, it IS a large twine ball. Sadly, it’s completely encased in a glass pavilion, which makes both photography and tactile appreciation darn near impossible. Still, pretty impressive. There’s a mailbox near the pavilion with a guest book in it. I may have written in it something to the effect of “That’s a pretty impressive ball of twine…almost as impressive as the one in Cawker City, KS.”

Yeah, I’m startin’ a twine war, my friends. Are you with me or agin me?

Happy sunshine day, Lone Reader!

I give good blurb.

2009-04-06T12:35:00.003-05:00

- I was pretty taken with this photo of Sam Spenser's beautiful installation outside the Wapping Project in London. Then I read it was sponsored by Veuve Clicquot (thus the color of the umbrellas) and it lost its fizz.

- Number 5 on Google Trends is “MN Unemployment”. Something tells me that the recovery is still pretty distant…

- In “Monsters vs. Aliens” there’s a young gal who’s been rejected by her love for the mere fact that she’s turned into a 50-foot woman. As the freakishly giant animated version of Reese Witherspoon sobbed about her broken heart, my daughter leaned over and said to me, “Mom that’s so sad. Size doesn’t matter.” If you say so, baby.

- I got all excited about this story talking about scientists at the U of M studying cures for consistent itching. Then I saw that it said “itching”…nevermind.

- There’s an interesting article in yesterday’s NYT about the next Pixar offering, “Up.” It appears that the merchandising gurus are unhappy with trying to sell products based on a movie featuring a crabby old man and little adventure scout. Is anyone really concerned that Disney won’t make ENOUGH money? Besides, I love John Lasseter. The marriage of Pixar and Disney seems to have produced bigger support for Pixar-style movies, as opposed to formulaic Disney films being all Nemo-ed. We all know, though, that eventually everything will be Pixney/Dixar…is this the beginning?

- I’m really overwhelmed with work right now, but I love where I work. My various ambitions in life have been: archeologist/singer (at 8 years old, I signed a pact with my best friend that we would have each other mummified upon death, even if it was illegal), ASL-proficient public defender (inspired by Lowell Meyers and the book “Dummy”), opera singer, journalist, graphic designer, art historian/professor. I think I really would’ve liked being a prof, but as a city gal I’d be pretty unhappy with the first few rungs of academia…teaching at Southern Methodist Polytechnic East Campus would be hard for me. Nothing against SMPEC, but I like the Twin Cities now. (If you had asked me yesterday, when it was snowing, the answer might have been diff’rent.)

I’m taking dinners to neighbors for the next two nights, Lone Reader, so I should prolly go. And work. Happy warm up, darlin’!

Tubes, Lubes and iPhone Rubes..it's the bacon report.

2009-04-02T12:53:00.006-05:00

Three really unnecessary new bacon products:

Bacon in a tube (actually an April Fool’s joke from ThinkGeek) (thanks, SMarty, for the tip!)

Bacon Lube. ‘nuff said. Perhaps also a wee prank from the folks that brought you bacon salt.

Pocket Bacon for your iPhone
"Pocket Bacon brings the sights and sounds of sizzling bacon with you anytime and anywhere. Choose from one of six cooking surfaces, then slap down fresh strips on the pan and hear them hiss."

I might use one of these three, but I’ll never tell which one.

Watch this site for my big ball of twine pix soon!

Sizzlelean, Lone Reader, sizzlelean.

Protocol, Willie Ames & Pot Pies

2009-03-27T09:24:00.004-05:00

1. Here it is, almost the end of National Protocol Officers' Week and what have I done? Damn it, how time flies when you're thinking protocol. The cynical and jaded side of me is suspicious, since the week was sponsored by The Protocol School of Washington, but then again, don't protocol officers need love, too?

2. Nobody told me that Willie Ames lives in Olathe, Kansas (which is just 40 minutes from my dad's house)! (Did you know that for years my ringtone was the theme from "Charles in Charge"?) (Did we care? -Ed.) Or that he was having a huge garage sale?! I heard he's finally getting rid of the kid who played Nicholas on "Eight is Enough". I smell a road trip...

3. Col. Sanders is filling potholes in Louisville, Kentucky. Now you know what they do with the leftover biscuits.

4. The amazing crop art of Col. Sanders above is by Elizabeth Schreiber. (Should I enter the MN State Fair crop art competition? I'm always tempted...)

Have an awesome weekend, Lone Reader! Keep your powder dry!

Roundball and the Cinema

2009-03-26T14:00:00.002-05:00

Hello, Lone Reader! Today’s post in three parts:

I. Basketball
Tomorrow is the KU vs. Michigan State basketball game. I’m having some peeps over. It should be a tough game, but I think we can swing it. I do have my big foam finger from 1988, which will be making an appearance at the party. Hopefully I can convince someone to wear the red and blue wig as well. Rock Chalk, Jayhawk!

II. Crap movies
Perhaps because of the suckola weather, I’ve been watching movies like crazy lately. (For those not in MN, yesterday it snowed and it’s been grey and damp for days.) I decided to begin Crap Movie Fest ’09 with Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, featuring Beatles songs sung by the Bee Gees, Peter Frampton and, believe it or not, George Burns, Steve Martin, Alice Cooper, Aerosmith and so many more. Wow, that’s a bad movie. It appears to have stolen a plot from Scooby Doo, with the Bee Gees and Peter Frampton playing apparently mute rubes who are chased by the Bad Guys. OMG. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen “She’s Leaving Home” sung by actors dressed as evil cyborgs. The highlight of the film was the finale, with a bizarre assemblage of celebrities (all of whom lacked the common sense to pass on this train wreck) singing Sgt. Pepper. Where else can you see Bowser from Sha Na Na, Leif Garrett, Carol Channing, Gwen Verdon and Seals & Croft all singing along to the worst soundtrack ever committed to celluloid?

Next up in the bad movie category was Xanadu. Brief disclosure – I LOVE XANADU. I’ve seen it several times. The acting is truly remarkable. It’s almost like it’s early computer animation – the wooden expressions, the not-quite life-like delivery of lines. With one of the lamest plots ever (a muse comes to Earth and falls in love) Olivia Newton John, the forgettable (and forgotten) Michael Beck and, sadly Gene Kelly struggle to keep the film afloat. Poor, poor Gene Kelly…you must’ve really needed cash to be the performing monkey in this charade. There’s a painful music video-type sequence with Gene Kelly popping out of dressing rooms in various outrageous get ups. It puts one simultaneously in the mind of the Banana Splits and the pathetic old hooker on the corner, pretending that no one can really see the folds around her lips under the smear of magenta gloss.

III. Better movies
I recently watched Religulous, Rachel Getting Married and Milk. Religulous feels like it’s from the makers of Borat, perhaps because it was. There’s a very fine line between pointing out hypocrisy and contradiction and really making fun of a person’s beliefs. There were certainly funny moments, and thought-provoking factoids, but there was a lot of mean-spiritedness, homogenizing all religious people as lemmings, or worse, bigoted cowards.

Rachel Getting Married and Milk were both harsh, but solid. Excellent performances in both, surprising for me since I don’t much care for Anne Hathaway’s pop-eyed ingénue thing.

This has turned into a novella, Lone Reader, and I must go. Life, not blog, calls me. Stay warm, watch good movies and go Jayhawks!

Love,

Velma

Happy Pi Day!

2009-03-14T12:56:00.002-05:00

How will you celebrate? I'm going to have some damn pie, that's what I'm gonna do. (I have a bit of a head cold that is causing me to curse...excuse me.) (Yeah, right. -ed.)

No more of a post than that today - I'm nursing myself back to health with copious amounts of Tab. (Don't you judge me, Lone Reader!)

Happy warm up!
Love, Velma

#1 in Gratitude Journal: No Kangaroo Ninjas

2009-03-11T08:55:00.004-05:00

Mon Mar 9, 2:07 pm ET
CANBERRA (Reuters) – An Australian couple thought they were being attacked by an intruder when a kangaroo crashed through their bedroom window and started jumping on them.

"My initial thought, when I was half awake, was it's a lunatic ninja coming through the window. It seems about as likely as a kangaroo breaking in," Beat Ettlin told local media Monday.

The three-meter (9 feet) kangaroo smashed through the window in Ettlin's Canberra home Sunday night. While Ettlin and his wife and young daughter took refuge under the blankets, the injured kangaroo jumped on top of them, gouging holes in the furniture and smearing blood all over the walls, said the Australian Associated Press. The next thing Ettlin heard was his 10-year-old son Leighton screaming from his bed: "There's a 'roo in my room!'" Ettlin, a 42-year-old chef, wrestled the bleeding kangaroo, got it into a headlock and dragged it out the front door. The kangaroo disappeared into bushes. (Reporting by Michael Perry; Editing by Dean Yates)

This makes my morning with two crabby kids and a grant due seem better. Ya gotta find your bliss where you can, Lone Reader.

Buttermilk Pie

2009-03-09T18:10:00.005-05:00

So, I made buttermilk pie yesterday...blecch! I had buttermilk left over from another cooking adventure and thought I'd try a super easy recipe in the ATK Family Cookbook. OMG, it is so dang sweet. Yowza. So, for not wanting to waste the buttermilk, I threw a fair amount of butter, sugar eggs and flour away as well.

On the plus side, I'm thinking of serving it to the squirrel to send him into a diabetic coma.

Today is National Napping Day!

2009-03-09T16:35:00.004-05:00

Yes, it's national napping day. How will you be celebrating, Lone Reader? I'll be celebrating by breaking up numerous arguments (no school today) and working on a federal grant. Sigh. It seems like there might be a more appropriate way to celebrate...

Open Letter to the Squirrel in My Attic

2009-03-04T10:04:00.004-06:00

Image from Grey Squirrels Disturbing on cafepress

Dear Rodent:

You don’t get to judge me, Mister. Okay, I have a lot of Christmas decorations up here…eleven Rubbermaid tubs, to be exact. So what? Like you don’t hoard crap? At least mine is dutifully labeled. And so I have every piece of paper I ever laid a finger on in grad school – big deal! I might need to know something about 17th century Dutch genre paintings by Jan Steen and then where would I be? I can’t ask you for input now, can I?!

It’s been fun for you, I’m sure, reading my old research papers, mocking my pseudo-intellectual art historical prose. It was the 90s! Everyone wrote like that! And yeah, that IS a Colin Powell GI Joe doll in the corner. It’s propped up on the cedar chest – you know, the one with the broken lock? Who knows what’s in there…I digress.

Look, I’m going to give you a choice here. We can play nice or we can play hard. Scenario A has you coming down out my attic on your own accord, allow me to dress you in a vest and small hat and then walk you about my neighborhood on a long silver leash, demonstrating your willingness to be my personal mascot/sidekick for wacky high jinx and crime solving. Scenario B has me throwing your squirrelly ass out a third story window. What’s it gonna be, Mister?

You have until high noon.

Love,
Velma

PS If you’re looking for nesting materials to take with you on your way out, I’ll happily contribute my ex-husband’s 43 old copies of Wired magazine. The box can follow you out the window.

My Love Triangle with Oprah Winfrey

2009-02-27T09:24:00.004-06:00

A TRUE STORY:

When I was about 20 years old, I went to visit my mom in Chicago. My then-boyfriend (now ex-husband) and a good gal pal went with me. We decided we really, really wanted to go to the Oprah show. Well, what were three enterprising 20-somethings to do when there were no tickets available? That’s right, answer the call that appeared at the end of the show that said, “Are you in a love triangle and only two of you know it? Call the Oprah Winfrey Show!”

I made up a long, involved story…I seem to recall it involved the secretarial pool, a pound of Parmigiano-Reggiano and the Russian mob. It worked – we were in. We were specially seated on an aisle, and right before the show started a producer came over and asked me surreptiously, “You guys are the triangle, right?” I nodded knowingly as she put gaffers’ tape on the backs of our chairs. When the show began, we dutifully cheered and watched as the dregs of humanity were put on display. (This was before the Pope-rah of today, back when she used to have pretty sordid talk show fare.)

Ms. Winfrey looked smaller than I’d have thought, and slightly tired.

The first and second segments went well, then on the break, a different producer came over to me and said, “You guys are up next. We want you to stand and reveal the truth after this break.” I replied, “Ummm…yeah…I don’t really feel like doing this now.” She was pretty angry but I held my ground. Okay, I toyed with idea of standing up and proclaiming myself to be the other woman, but hey, it just didn’t feel right. She stormed away and we watched the rest of the show unbothered by the camera crew.

When we left the studio, Oprah was perched on a high stool over to the side of the exit, saying goodbye to all. As we drew close to the once-and-future queen of daytime, I noticed how drawn and almost desiccated she looked. Later we would learn that she was three weeks into the liquid diet that led to her 67-pound weight loss, and the famed show where she pulled a wagon filled with fat onto the set.

Our love triangle dissolved that very day. We were on TV oh so briefly, not unlike Oprah’s skinny jeans. Some things just aren’t meant to last, Lone Reader.

The Iceman Cometh?

2009-02-25T16:58:00.009-06:00

Lone Reader, I am so happy that Tuesday is over…aren’t you? I was up bright and early to get the kids to school, then off to the capitol to advocate for the arts with over 800 arts advocates, organized by Minnesota Citizens for the Arts. After, I was off to Sweeney’s for a quick quaff with other artsy types, pick up kids, run to piano lessons, home for a fast dinner, off to play rehearsal, then board meeting, then home. Dang. It was a surprisingly art-filled, chaotic day.

Now it’s Wednesday, the day before THE STORM. Some media outlets are predicting 6 – 8”, so who knows how much snow we’ll get tomorrow. I do know that tomorrow night is the opening night of my daughter’s play. Believe me, LR, the show will go on. I need this beast to end…rehearsals three times a week for the past month and this week every night for 3 hours. It’s killing us.

A few things that caught my eye recently:

From LarripinLabs on etsy:
Cross-stitch patterns for portraits of famous physicists.
(This is Richard Feynman, Nobel Laureate, bomb-builder and generally goofy guy.)
---------------------------

Tilt-Shift Photos made easy:
Now you can manipulate your own pictures of real scenes to look like model photographs. Super fun. I wanted to mess around with my own pictures, but since my computer crashed they’re all in a folder called ‘Canon’ and are a bloody mess. It’s too depressing to open.
----------------------------

Iwasaki has all the amazing fake food you can imagine, beautifully detailed.
Mmmm that bacon looks good…
----------------------------

From Komodokat
Kawaii toast charms
----------------------------

And lastly, I bought a book for a Christmas present. Okay, it was on the Urban Outfitters clearance shelf. Still, it was wildly adorable and I thought I’d give it to a friend’s daughter. It was Kawaii Not by Meghan Murphy.

I learned about kawaii, the phenomenon of wide-eyed cuteness that is so celebrated in Japan. I also learned that this was not a book to give a friend’s child. Still, it was pretty dang good.

Happy snow day, Lone Reader!

Mr. Jiggs and the Cold Hard Truth

2009-02-19T11:14:00.003-06:00

This photo of Mr. Jiggs is by Michael Nichols from Brutal Kinship, a book by Nichols and Jane Goodall.

So the news story about the pet chimpanzee that attacked a woman in Connecticut has me thinking about my ol’ pal Mr. Jiggs.

Mr. Jiggs was a very famous chimp. He starred in many, many commercials, movies and bar mitzvahs in his 30+ years as a performer. He was written about by no less than Jane Goodall in her heartbreaking book Visions of Caliban (co-authored with Dale Peterson.) He had a lovely profile in the New Yorker in the mid-80s.

My paternal grandparents lived in Park Ridge, New Jersey. I spent months each summer there and every Christmas break, as the Velma family made its Ma & Pa Kettle journey cross-country to go to the place my parents always called “home.” (As a child I wondered what to call our ever-changing residences, since they were clearly not “home.”)

Park Ridge defies what most non-Easterners think of as New Jersey…it’s non-industrial, mall-free, treed and fairly affluent. Not only are my unhinged parents products of this environ, but also The Roches and Karen Duffy. More notably, the borough of Park Ridge had two august neighbors in the form of Richard Nixon (who lived in Saddle River) and Mr. Jiggs of Hillsdale. As a child, I was infinitely more interested in Mr. Jiggs, although my parents would occasionally drive by Nixon’s estate and command us kids to glare.

When we would go see my Aunt Marge (who was not an aunt…discuss) we would sometimes see Mr. Jiggs outside his house. He was a 190-lb. chimpanzee who lived in Hillsdale with his trainer, Ron Winter. He had a swing in the yard, and would sometimes sit on the porch and wave. The very best was when we would see him riding around on his custom motorcycle.

In reading about the chimp attack in Connecticut, I did a little research, or what passes for research in the days of Google, on Mr. Jiggs. He had a truly remarkable career and seemed to be deeply loved by his owner. Ms. Goodall and Mr. Peterson describe his life as apparently joyous, albeit profoundly artificial. Some disturbing facts, however: Mr. Jiggs was actually Ms. Jiggs. (Apparently girl chimps just aren’t as funny, i.e. Michelle Bachman.) Mr. Jiggs had had his front teeth pulled. And most upsetting, Mr. Jiggs lived each and every day in a metal vest and collar that could deliver electric shocks from Mr. Winter, should the need arise. Mr. Jiggs, for all his gleeful appearance, lived a life of gender dysphoria with cold metal and a swift jolt at the ready, should his true nature emerge.

It’s like when you get close to a college cheerleader – what seems so fresh-faced and innocent at a distance is actually a half-inch layer of suntan Max Factor covering cystic acne and sweat.

The seamy verities of owning wild animals ain’t cute, Lone Reader.

Better to have blogged and lost, than to kill a tech sales dude

2009-02-17T09:41:00.004-06:00

Things I've lost in the past 10 days:
my address book (not that big a deal)
all my digital photos (feels devasting...trying to get a grip)
all of my iTunes (very upsetting)
my false sense of tech bravada

Things I've lost in the past 10 years:
a dog (found)
a sauté pan (found)
untold numbers of socks and shoes
30 pounds
a car key
my innocence (quit laughing, Lone Reader)

Things I've gained recently:
independence
a sexy new computer
a credit card to pay for said computer
a Time Capsule back up system
8 pounds (still ahead of the game!)
many, many new friends
tremendous love
you, Lone Reader, you sly bastard

I guess I'm doing okay, after all.

This STINKS!

2009-02-12T09:40:00.004-06:00

SIGH. Lone Reader, I know the world is full of woes that so surpass mine. Darfur, Gaza, all square states in the US, etc. but I have to say, having your computer die really, really sucks.

"But Velma", you ask, "how are you blogging at this very moment?" It's my stripped down, word processing-only lap top. All my music, my pictures and oh yeah, MY WORK is on the main computer. I won't bore you with the details of the slow-motion crash, but it has made me realize how very much of my life revolves around that damn machine.

The second weird thing is that my ex-husband is kinda hacker-like. I tried everything I knew to get the computer working again. (Let's be real here - she unplugged and then restarted holding down various keys. - Ed.) Eventually I called him for advice. He very, very kindly came over to help. and worked on it for 9 hours. There's something very tender and sweet about that, you know we were together since I was 19. We grew up together and all. It's also a little weird to be sitting on the couch, watching Top Chef (which is so damn good I can't stand it) while the ex is toiling away at the computer. It's deja vu all over again, and that's more than a little freaky and sad. sigh.

Now my task is to begin extricating files from the dying beast. For some reason they've all jumbled into about 5 folders - so I'm going through documents one at a time, to see what must be saved. Some of the applications won't open, so I have to rely on the file name or sometimes the very small picture. (Do I have that picture of my dog somewhere else? Eh, prolly...) I can't currently get my music, which is a pretty big time and financial commitment to have up in the air.

I'll get things sorted out, I'll get all my super important files off the beast, strip down all three hard drives, install a new system and move on. But will I be the same? Nah. It's like Katherine said in Judy Blume's Forever - you can't go back to holding hands. Does that quote fit this situation? I'm not sure, but I like it anyway.

Pray to the computer gods for me and enjoy the thaw, Lone Reader!

Love, Velma

Holy cabin fever, Batman!

2009-02-06T16:11:00.004-06:00

Tonight my dear friend Toddy-Boy Harper is performing the sixth year of Keys Please - a collaboration with Paul Cantrell and Carei Thomas. They're a bunch of lunatic hep cats and I love the Harper family to the core of my being. It's $10 and students are free. See you there? 8:00pm - 10:00pm at the Janet Wallace Fine Arts Center, Macalester College.

MPR article re. Keys Please is here.

Tomorrow I'm going to Shanty it up on Medicine Lake. The Art Shanty Projects are a group of artists reclaiming the normally liquid MN landscape in the name of art. Plus it's wild*ss fun. See you there!

Oh and one non-weekend thing: the inventor of Playmobil, Hans Beck, has died. I love me some Playmobil, man - it still plays a large role in the nativity scene and xmas decorations in my house. (For those of you who've seen it, sadly the pimp chicken who always played the heavenly host lost a leg this year and had to be put down.) There's a nice obit in the Guardian. For Mr. Beck, not the pimp chicken.

John Cameron Mitchell and the Talkies

2009-02-06T10:46:00.001-06:00

Review of John Cameron Mitchell and the Talkies, a live commentary on Hedwig and the Angry Inch at The Heights Theatre 2/5/09

Hmmm…I love Hedwig. I mean I really love Hedwig. That said, I wasn’t totally feelin’ the love last night. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed it, but it was a little, umm…unfocused. JCM had a bad cold and didn’t seem to have a sense of how it would work to speak over a film. I had imagined it would be kind of like watching someone record the ‘director’s comments’ feature for a DVD, with scene-by-scene info and tidbits about specific shots and funny anecdotes. There was definitely some of that, finding out what the tomatoes meant at the end, noting that the East German mother’s dress and sheets were made from the same fabric, etc. There was also a lot of “What do you guys want to know?” and rambling references to Short Bus, JCM’s sophomore effort. As the funny and profane director slowly lost his voice, it felt a little like the worst of both worlds – we couldn’t watch the film and we couldn’t hear the commentary.

The highlight for me was watching JCM interact with the fans in the audience, including a 15-year-old girl who had been a fan since second grade, a gigantically tall blonde man about to play Hedwig in an Eau Claire stage show, and a hetero couple that had the tattoos of the two pieces from the animation sequence to “Origins of Love.” The feedback from the audience seemed to energize and animate JCM and there was definitely a lotta love in the room. And oh yeah, hearing Karl Eilers play “Wicked Little Town” on that magnificent mighty Wurlitzer in the gorgeous Heights Theatre – that was awesome.

You know you want to look away, but it's too late

2009-02-05T13:29:00.003-06:00

Here’s a NYT article about the facebook meme I referred to yesterday (Thanks KGH!)

I’m a goo goo muck over the fact that Lux Interior, lead singer of the Cramps, died yesterday at the age of 60.

Thank you for the cornbread. I am also stealing your jacket. link

bacon explosion on YouTube

Etta James’ still got it, man – 71 years old and smackin’ down on Beyoncé.

In other non-news:
I bought Springsteen tickets…May 11. I’m not thrilled about being in seats as opposed to general admission, but it is what it is. I’m still excited and I won’t be mocked by the likes of you.

I read the book What is the What by Dave Eggers and Valentino Achak Deng, I highly recommend it as a gripping, sort-of-fictional narrative written by Eggers and one of the “Lost Boys” of Sudan.

I’m off to see John Cameron Mitchell tonight at the Heights Theater. It’s “The Talkies” a new series of directors commenting on their seminal works. There’s a showing of the film version of Hedwig and the Angry Inch and then Mitchell will narrate. I LOVE Hedwig, but I’ll not be wearing my big foam wig. (Too rude to those seated behind me.)

I am science-fair-free for another year – holla!

Happy warm up, Lone Reader!

25 Things I learned since my last blog.

2009-02-04T16:01:00.003-06:00

Lone Reader, Lone Reader…what can I say? I’m sorry baby, but why you gots to make so mad? Damn, baby, I promise I won’t do you wrong again.

I apologize, Lone Reader, for the long delay in writing. I wish I could give you a great excuse…I was called to be an election judge in Bora Bora, or the Coen Bros decided to make me an executive producer and I had to fly to Toronto for a month. The truth is so pedestrian…life intervened in unpleasant ways. I got sick again, and then had all kinds of crazy arrive on my stoop.

So, to catch you up to speed, here’s my version of the meme that’s caught facebook by storm: 25 things I’ve learned since the last post.

1. Rainy days and clinical depression always get me down.
2. Five days without your children can make you aimless, sad and giddy simultaneously.
3. Disney Cruises are not as bad as you might think.
4. I don’t like escargot.
5. I do like red wine. (okay, I already knew that one.)
6. No Name thick-sliced peppered bacon is really, really good.
7. An owl costume can be made in under 1 hour.
8. Ohana means family. And family means sometimes people are crazy and let you down with their lunatic rantings, but then you can turn to your intentional family and everything will be okay.
9. Netflix + free time = love
10. Even if you have a signed legal document, it don’t mean squat if no one enforces it.
11. Wife Swap is a very, very trashy show.
12. The site on my block with the most airborne particulate matter is along the alley.
13. If you’re judging a science fair and a student’s final sentence in his research paper is “It is our hope that our patients and clients find this information both informative and comforting at this time of stress” he probably didn’t write the paper himself. When you call him on it in a kind way and get a lot of ‘tude, I suggest asking him as I did, “So, who ARE your patients, Mr. Sixth Grader?”
14. Walnuts are tolerable on plain yogurt with blueberries.
15. Scramble on facebook is like crack.
16. The Ref is my favorite grown-up xmas movie.
17. A local supernatural investigation society has discovered high activity in the basement where I work.
18. Green tea steeped in Coke is palatable, if not enjoyable.
19. My autographed picture of Whiplash the Cowboy Monkey may be worth something, now that he’s Sir Whiplash.
20. Mickey Rourke?! Are you kidding me? Do I need to see Mickey Rourke ever again?
21. Funders are hurting, too.
22. If anyone could pull off that hat, Aretha could. (Now pull it off.)
23. I might be secretly a little bit Minnesotan since I took slight offense at the portrayal of Minnesotans in “New in Town”
24. Springsteen’s still got it.
25. I missed you, Lone Reader.

Betsy Ross I ain't

2008-12-09T19:36:00.004-06:00

OMG…I have committed to a sewing project. (Yes, Virginia, there IS a sucker born every minute. – Ed.) I am making 17 mob caps for my daughter’s classroom. What is a mob cap, you ask? It’s that silly thing that looks like a white shower cap that colonial girls and women wore. My daughter helpfully volunteered me to do this. Suddenly going on a field trip seems a lot more palatable, even if it’s a field trip to Hades. Or the Children’s Museum. (Same diff. – Ed.)

To balance things out, I’m considering making my son this project – a felt Bantha. Dang O’Dell – that’s good lookin’.

In other toy news, I’m sure you’ve heard that Barbie has beaten the Bratz dolls in a street fight. Despite the fact that the Bratz have disproportionately large heads, I feel no kinship. Watch out, Groovy Girls – you bitches are next.

Good News, M#therF*ck&!s!

2008-12-08T09:37:00.002-06:00

A study at the University of East Anglia Norwich in England has found that swearing relieves stress at work. Drop that F bomb, friends, and go to your happy place.

We Dap-Kings of Orient Are...

2008-12-06T15:03:00.002-06:00

I. So, it’s definitely been crazy, Lone Reader. How was Sharon Jones, you might ask? Well, it was fantabulous, as one might expect. I think the First Ave. show last year was better, if only because it was absolutely packed with crazy sweaty dancers. (and the concert was longer.) This was definitely a different crowd – the tickets were about twice as much as the First Ave show, and it was in the Pantages Theater, so a fairly gray crowd. I was concerned that there wouldn’t be dancing, but of course, you can’t stop me and my peeps. Those Dap-Kings really bring it, man.

II. Since then, I’ve had a grant in the finishing line and a bunch of xmas tasks to get to. Sigh. I really, really, love Christmas, but mailing so many gifts is wee bit stressful. Today I am lugging the 75 Rubbermaid tubs out of the attic to begin the Christmasification of the house. Yowza, dude – I need to get rid of some of this stuff.

I was desperate to send a can of bacon to my nephews for Christmas, but apparently you have to buy it by the case. It’s funny, but not a $120 of funny. (What is?)

It’s kind of a weird holiday this year, dontcha think? There’s been so much bad news and just about everyone I know is tightening the ol’ belt or fearful of layoffs. My job is secure as long as I can bring in the money for the non-profit gallery where I work. Call me psychic, but I don’t think the end-of-year ask letter is going to draw much cash this year. We’ll see.

I’m considering purchasing the Colbert xmas special, just ‘cause they had it for $15 at Target and I fell asleep during the airing of the show. Is it worth it? Stephen Colbert thinks so.

This morning I took the kids to the bank to see Santa. Every year he makes an appearance and they take pics and give you a free ornament with the picture inside. I have 10 years of these, and although they’re a little cheesy, it’s also very sweet. This year they also had a sleigh ride with two reindeer pulling. (Poor bastards.) The kids were in heaven.

I’m heading out with the fam for Thai food tonight – I’m grateful to not have to cook after cranking out several dozen cookies in the past two days. Yum.

Wishing you and yours a happy Saint Nicholas Day! xoxo, Velma

Shake n' Bake

2008-12-02T16:50:00.001-06:00

Tonight is Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings! I am sooo excited. I loves me some Sharon Jones, man. I’ve said it before, but she is truly the love child of James Brown and Tina Turner. I’ve seen her twice before, once at First Ave and again this summer at the MN State Fair. I can’t wait. It’s at the Pantages Theater, which has me a wee bit nervous. Back in the day, before kids, I went to see Elvis Costello (sigh) in one of the Hennepin theaters. It was totally depressing – he sounded great, but the audience was all genteel applause and staying in their seats. Blecch. It’s time to shake a tailfeather, dude!

I’ll post a review tomorrow. Shake your groove thang, Lone Reader!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T18:55:00.003-06:00

Well, I did groove it last night, and successfully cleaned and got everything ready for the big day. Bacon fest was fab, although I shan't make bacon cornbread for awhile. I can now heartily recommend the No Name brand of peppered thick-cut bacon. Delish, man. Sadly, there was an issue with basting the bird in bacon fat. Bacon grease has a fairly low smoking point and suddenly the smoke detector went off. Was it the little one that one can pull the battery from? Nay, it was the one hardwired into the electrical system. Now I'm running up and down the stairs, trying to figure out which circuit I can turn off, without disturbing the cooking process to shut the dang thing off. I finally got it turned off, but it was pretty nuts for about 10 minutes. After this drama, I flipped the bird (get it?) as per Cook's Illustrated's recommendation. (Cook first hour at 420, breast side down, then flip breast side up and lower temp for remaining cooking time.) Only I forgot to lower the temperature. So about an hour later, that bird was gloriously golden and perfect looking, but the dark meat was woefully undercooked. Crap. I started slicing and putting pieces in the microwave. Guests didn't see this part, which is good, and complimented the juicy, flavorful turkey. Hah! Fooled 'em again!

Happy Thanksgiving, Lone Reader! You're what I'm thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving Eve!

2008-11-26T07:34:00.003-06:00

Lone Reader! How've ya been?

I am going to celebrate Thanksgiving Eve in a most traditional manner - with ol' skool funk music, drop it like it's hot dancin' and a vodka collins. Then I'm going to clean like hell. If we have to spend so much time with family tomorrow, tonight should be a no-holds-barred holiday for goofin'...write your congressperson. (once the recount is over and we know who that is.)

We are the Lizard People!

2008-11-21T06:50:00.002-06:00

Submit before us, weaklings! In accordance with intergalactic law, we needed to convince just one confused, MJ-altered voter to write us in to the insignificant piece of detritus you call a ballot.

You may have already seen us on our reconnaissance, but you know us in our repulsive human façades – Ted Nugent? Dean Barkley? Joan Rivers? Dick Cheney? You fools. Now we will rise before you, fierce and proud, ready to tackle universal health care and the Big 3 bailout.

We are the Lizard People! Let them eat crickets!

Jive turkey musings

2008-11-20T11:12:00.004-06:00

Sigh - what's going on with you, Lone Reader? I've had a busy week. Big grant was due yesterday, and it was in on time. Yay! Now I'm turning my attention to the many other things I've neglected, including you, dear...so sorry for the lack of posts.

Here's what's on: I'm beginning to think about Thanksgiving. It'll be a dinner for 12 at my house. I've done it before and I brine the turkey, but as a person who has profound phobia about handling raw meat, it does give one pause. The brining alone is stressful, but dang, it makes for a good bird.

Thanksgiving morning is a tradition in my house - it is BACON FEST! We watch the parade, waiting for the REAL Santa. (This is the Santa by which all mall Santas will be measured.) We cook pounds and pounds of bacon, eat gingerbread pancakes with maple syrup and laze about. The cooked bacon is then added to the stuffing, the turkey basting liquid and our bellies. A few years ago my brother-in-law suggested we add bacon to all the dishes of the day. It was good, but there have been complaints from a few of this year's guests that they do not want a smokey aftertaste in the pie, for example. We'll rein it in.

Other Thanksgiving food notes: there'll be broccoli, green beans (NOT in a casserole - blecch) carrots, sweet potatoes, mashers, stuffing, gravy and two pies. And maybe a green salad. Oh, and cranberry relish, which only I will eat but I don't care. Rolls? maybe.

Sadly, this Thanksgiving will be the first without my kids in the morning. It's going to be hard for me, but it is fair to my ex. He wants to build his own traditions with the kids, and I get that. I don't like it, but I get it. They'll be home by noon in time to eat and fight.

I do find myself getting pretty dang Christmas-y early this year. I'm eager to decorate the house, hauling my gazillion Rubbermaid tubs out of the attic and unpacking the insane number of holiday things I've got. This year I'm going to go all out, and I won't have to buy a thing to do it. (Okay, I'll buy fresh garland for the outside of the house, but that's it.) Some time I have to go through all the xmas stuff and get rid of a lot of it...but hey, a gal can only do so much, you know?

And speaking of holiday prep, Lone Reader - didn't you promise that you'd clean my house? I'm waiting, man!

More soon!

And the winner is...

2008-11-17T08:11:00.002-06:00

Sonnet! For simultaneously making me laugh and have a little throw up in the back of my throat...

Her caption? "Two in the pink, one in the stink. Or, more fitting for this photo, maybe they were going for 'two in the Bush, one in the tush??'"

Ewwww.

More later today from my wee MN roadtrip and the crazy, deeluxe weekend. Stay warm, Lone Reader!

Caption Contest

2008-11-14T13:21:00.003-06:00

What do you think this photo is about? (Seems like the Prez is stackin' to me...) Post your theories here. Contest is active until Monday November 17, 12:01am CST in US. What might the winner receive? Well, let's see...some stickers from the now-defunct Coca-Cola product OK Soda (said to be the first national product aimed straight at Gen X-ers), 1 Nivea lip balm (unused) and a package of bacon candy. Oh, and in honor of both the balls of string in Kansas and Minnesota, your very own Velma-approved Ball-O-String starter kit.

Thanks to Boing Boing & Sean Bonner for the photo. Good luck!

Franken v. Coleman Update

2008-11-11T11:31:00.003-06:00

Well, here's the latest, for you out-of-towners:

The recount in the Franken/Coleman election will begin next week. As it stands today, the spread between the two candidates is just 206 votes, placing Norm Coleman ahead by 1/100th of one percent.

What has happened thus far? Counties are certifying their vote tallies. In some counties, the optical scanning machine spits out a vote tally at the end of the election and a person enters the number in the Secretary of State website. This of course, can lead to transversed numbers, etc. Reconciling the slips of paper from the voting machines with the human entries to the tally had reduced Coleman's lead significantly. The canvassing board will certify the results from the polling machines on November 18th, then the state-mandated hand recount begins. To be followed by lawsuits, no doubt.

Secretary of State Mark Ritchie has promised the recount will be completed by mid-December. My thinking is that the lawsuits won't be resolved before the Senate convenes in January, leaving open the possibility that the full Senate will be called upon to declare the winner. This could be good, as it's Democratically-controlled, but an election called by anyone other than the voting populace leads to painful accusations of partisanship and recriminations all around.

Here's hoping Mr. Ritchie and the good citizens of the recount committee can help us come out of this with a clean win. Oh, and world peace and lots of arts funding, while we're dreaming.

something stoopid this way comes

2008-11-11T10:27:00.001-06:00

sing to standard blues, you know, like the Kraft macaroni and cheese ad

I’m trying to work this morn
but facebook is calling my name
If I spend all my time on the web
I think Al Gore’s to blame

My head is throbbing right now.
(I’m under caffeinated)
Bad voting dreams won’t end
‘cuz Norm might be reinstated

We all overslept today
I hurried out looking a fool
I bet that today is the day
that old boyfriend drops off at school

She’s been working on it for two weeks
but where is that homework today?
Oh, I think the recycling truck
just carried it away.

Pomeranian dug in the trash
and now he’s licking the shoes
He’s fixed, he’s old and he’s blind,
He could really sing the blues.

OMG!!

2008-11-06T10:07:00.002-06:00

Obama wins AND I get fifth row Sharon Jones tickets!! What a week!!

Politics, what else?

2008-11-06T09:38:00.002-06:00

Well, Lone Reader, it’s been a crazy ride. Like so many of you, I was crying throughout the returns. I had a house full of people, all of whom shared their voting stories. When the election was called, I went upstairs to the kids’ rooms. I gently rubbed my sleeping daughter’s shoulder and whispered in her ear, “Barack Obama is going to be our next president.” “She groggily sat up and murmured, “Yay…” before collapsing back into sweet slumber. I’m pretty sure my son would’ve had a similar reaction, if he could’ve been roused from his deep sleep.

Unlike everyone I talked to, I didn’t love McCain’s concession speech. Yes, it was gracious, but the structure of it bugged me. (Always the editor, I am.) (No, you’re not. – Ed.) It WAS a historic night, as we know, but I think the references to America’s entrenched racism should’ve been after the congratulations for Obama, the reference to Toot and the acknowledgment of the hard campaign. To me it’s not unlike the NBC cameras at Spelman College all night. Yes, this is an extraordinary, historic moment that has been a long time coming. I definitely agree. But millions of Americans were brought together in this election. Obama wasn’t elected because he is black. He was elected because he is the right man at the right time. The fact that he is African American is momentous, but not why he is our President-Elect.

Obama’s speech was simply breathtaking. Filled with hope, gratitude and strength, just like his amazing campaign. I sobbed my way through it. This campaign has changed the way politics is done in America – the vast majority of his donors were under $100. The internet wasn’t treated like an ATM, but a true organizing tool. And when did you ever hear a president include the word “gay” in an acceptance speech? (Not since Millard Fillmore in 1850.) Sad, sad, sad to think that while our President-Elect was speaking about dignity of all, many Californians were deciding that bigotry is acceptable.

There were several heartbreaking races tempering the elation of the evening. For some unknown reason, Michelle Bachmann (she of Bachmann Crazy Overdrive) was re-elected. My beloved Al Franken is likely going to be defeated by 1/400th of a percent when the recount is all said and done. In the MN House, district 37A turned from a hard-working, passionate Democrat to a 24-year-old Republican neophyte.

On the plus side, Minnesotans voted to add the Legacy amendment to the constitution, with a slight sales tax increase now the environment and the arts will now have some additional dedicated funding. I argued passionately with a state senator about this amendment in March of this year. He said this the amendment is basically an end-run around the Legislature. I replied, “Damn right – if you don’t have the backbone to do it, someone’s got to. We’ve tried it your way for a decade now and it’s gotten us nowhere. This is a much harder road for us, but clearly something must be done.” I didn’t convince him, but the people have now spoken and many quintessentially Minnesotan joys will be at least partially protected. (No word yet on whether Surly Furious qualifies, but it should.)

And this morning, Sarah Palin arrived back in the last frontier, being coy about her ambition to run for Prez in 2012. Am I dreaming or is that the best xmas gift ever?

Thanks for the read, groovy ghoulie, and see you in the new normal.

Full Text of Obama's Acceptance Speech

2008-11-06T06:42:00.002-06:00

If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.

It’s the answer told by lines that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen; by people who waited three hours and four hours, many for the very first time in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different; that their voice could be that difference.

It’s the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Latino, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled – Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection of Red States and Blue States: we are, and always will be, the United States of America.

It’s the answer that led those who have been told for so long by so many to be cynical, and fearful, and doubtful of what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day.

It’s been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, change has come to America.

I just received a very gracious call from Senator McCain. He fought long and hard in this campaign, and he’s fought even longer and harder for the country he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine, and we are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader. I congratulate him and Governor Palin for all they have achieved, and I look forward to working with them to renew this nation’s promise in the months ahead.

I want to thank my partner in this journey, a man who campaigned from his heart and spoke for the men and women he grew up with on the streets of Scranton and rode with on that train home to Delaware, the Vice President-elect of the United States, Joe Biden.

I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last sixteen years, the rock of our family and the love of my life, our nation’s next First Lady, Michelle Obama. Sasha and Malia, I love you both so much, and you have earned the new puppy that’s coming with us to the White House. And while she’s no longer with us, I know my grandmother is watching, along with the family that made me who I am. I miss them tonight, and know that my debt to them is beyond measure.

To my campaign manager David Plouffe, my chief strategist David Axelrod, and the best campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics – you made this happen, and I am forever grateful for what you’ve sacrificed to get it done.

But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to – it belongs to you.

I was never the likeliest candidate for this office. We didn’t start with much money or many endorsements. Our campaign was not hatched in the halls of Washington – it began in the backyards of Des Moines and the living rooms of Concord and the front porches of Charleston.

It was built by working men and women who dug into what little savings they had to give five dollars and ten dollars and twenty dollars to this cause. It grew strength from the young people who rejected the myth of their generation’s apathy; who left their homes and their families for jobs that offered little pay and less sleep; from the not-so-young people who braved the bitter cold and scorching heat to knock on the doors of perfect strangers; from the millions of Americans who volunteered, and organized, and proved that more than two centuries later, a government of the people, by the people and for the people has not perished from this Earth. This is your victory.

I know you didn’t do this just to win an election and I know you didn’t do it for me. You did it because you understand the enormity of the task that lies ahead. For even as we celebrate tonight, we know the challenges that tomorrow will bring are the greatest of our lifetime – two wars, a planet in peril, the worst financial crisis in a century. Even as we stand here tonight, we know there are brave Americans waking up in the deserts of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan to risk their lives for us. There are mothers and fathers who will lie awake after their children fall asleep and wonder how they’ll make the mortgage, or pay their doctor’s bills, or save enough for college. There is new energy to harness and new jobs to be created; new schools to build and threats to meet and alliances to repair.

The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even one term, but America – I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you – we as a people will get there.

There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won’t agree with every decision or policy I make as President, and we know that government can’t solve every problem. But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree. And above all, I will ask you join in the work of remaking this nation the only way it’s been done in America for two-hundred and twenty-one years – block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand.

What began twenty-one months ago in the depths of winter must not end on this autumn night. This victory alone is not the change we seek – it is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were. It cannot happen without you.

So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism; of service and responsibility where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves, but each other. Let us remember that if this financial crisis taught us anything, it’s that we cannot have a thriving Wall Street while Main Street suffers – in this country, we rise or fall as one nation; as one people.

Let us resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long. Let us remember that it was a man from this state who first carried the banner of the Republican Party to the White House – a party founded on the values of self-reliance, individual liberty, and national unity. Those are values we all share, and while the Democratic Party has won a great victory tonight, we do so with a measure of humility and determination to heal the divides that have held back our progress. As Lincoln said to a nation far more divided than ours, “We are not enemies, but friends…though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection.” And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn – I may not have won your vote, but I hear your voices, I need your help, and I will be your President too.

And to all those watching tonight from beyond our shores, from parliaments and palaces to those who are huddled around radios in the forgotten corners of our world – our stories are singular, but our destiny is shared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand. To those who would tear this world down – we will defeat you. To those who seek peace and security – we support you. And to all those who have wondered if America’s beacon still burns as bright – tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from our the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity, and unyielding hope.

For that is the true genius of America – that America can change. Our union can be perfected. And what we have already achieved gives us hope for what we can and must achieve tomorrow.

This election had many firsts and many stories that will be told for generations. But one that’s on my mind tonight is about a woman who cast her ballot in Atlanta.

She’s a lot like the millions of others who stood in line to make their voice heard in this election except for one thing – Ann Nixon Cooper is 106 years old.

She was born just a generation past slavery; a time when there were no cars on the road or planes in the sky; when someone like her couldn’t vote for two reasons – because she was a woman and because of the color of her skin.

And tonight, I think about all that she’s seen throughout her century in America – the heartache and the hope; the struggle and the progress; the times we were told that we can’t, and the people who pressed on with that American creed: Yes we can.

At a time when women’s voices were silenced and their hopes dismissed, she lived to see them stand up and speak out and reach for the ballot. Yes we can.

When there was despair in the dust bowl and depression across the land, she saw a nation conquer fear itself with a New Deal, new jobs and a new sense of common purpose. Yes we can.

When the bombs fell on our harbor and tyranny threatened the world, she was there to witness a generation rise to greatness and a democracy was saved. Yes we can.

She was there for the buses in Montgomery, the hoses in Birmingham, a bridge in Selma, and a preacher from Atlanta who told a people that “We Shall Overcome.” Yes we can.

A man touched down on the moon, a wall came down in Berlin, a world was connected by our own science and imagination. And this year, in this election, she touched her finger to a screen, and cast her vote, because after 106 years in America, through the best of times and the darkest of hours, she knows how America can change. Yes we can.

America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves – if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made?

This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment. This is our time – to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American Dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth – that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we can’t, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people:

Yes We Can. Thank you, God bless you, and may God Bless the United States of America.

An affront at the poll

2008-11-04T13:26:00.002-06:00

Someone at the poll noticed my "I Voted" sticker and asked if I intended to vote twice. "No," said I, "I'm here to vouch for a neighbor. I brought my kids to vote this morning."

Said she, "Is this your kids first time voting in a presidential election?" WHA?! My kids are 7 and 10...must get Botox, must get Botox...

More from the Polls...

2008-11-04T11:47:00.003-06:00

I just vouched for two people in my neighborhood for same day registration. One of them was crying because she thought she had brought all the right documents. It was the first presidential election for both and they were so excited. Afterwards, they hugged me and I congratulated them. I don't know or care who they voted for - three strangers walked away neighbors.

Voting

2008-11-04T09:27:00.004-06:00

I arrived at my polling place at 7:20 this morning, two kids in tow, each clutching a container of yogurt and a granola bar. We were done by 8:15. I saw many neighbors and friends there. I actually vote at my church, which feels so cool and interconnected that it makes me shiver.

The kids participated in the Kids Vote and all three of us walked away with our stickers, beaming. We were 20 minutes late to school, and when I signed them in at the office, there about 40 kids already signed in late for being at the polls with their parent(s). As I was getting in my car, I saw a friend hurrying in with her daughter and we hugged each other. "I feel like this is the biggest day of my life," she said, "and I don't care who knows it!" "Me, too!" I said and got a little teary.

She's black, I'm white and we're both standing with our kids on the cusp of a new day. I love this place and this moment.

Ruminating without Numerating

2008-11-03T09:26:00.006-06:00

So much to say, Lone Reader!! First, is this a funny pic or what? "I'm voting the straight line ticket!"

Halloween
I did dress up as Velma on Halloween. It was pretty funny, because several friends who saw me didn't notice that I was dressed up - I guess I must usually look like a dork. (Do I normally wear knee socks and a miniskirt, people?) The kids had a good, albeit short trick-or-treat run. Somehow the fevers and sickness that prevented them from attending school did not impede their ability to beg for corn syrup.

I watched two scary movies: Squirm and Man's Best Friend. Campy, bad movies that were just about perfect. In Squirm, a downed power lines electrify the ground, creating killer worms. In Man's Best Friend, Ally Sheedy plays a reporter who, in the course of her anti-vivesection story on an animal lab, takes home a dog that had been genetically modified to be a vigilante killer. Wacky hi-jinks ensue. The best scene of all was when first the dog head puppet is eating a real cat, then the real dog is swallowing a cat puppet. High dollar effects, lemme tell you.

Sickness
Although my sickness remains, it is now manifested in an inability to regulate body temperature, a nasty cough and fatigue. I'm actually feeling much better, and for the first time in a month, feel like the end is in sight -yay! I also know that I don't have mono, HIV, strep, lupus, anemia, malaria, histoplasmosis or ebola. (Okay, they didn't test for ebola, but I'm pretty sure I don't have it.)

Soap Box
So it's election eve. I'm nervous, but also giddy. When I lived in Alaska, I voted for Bill Clinton. It was the first time I had ever voted for a winning presidential candidate. I remember seeing the returns and jumping up and down, crying. I called my friend Jenny and said, "It's really happening! Things are gonna be so different..." Three days later Clinton reneged on his promise to allow gays in the military, and this political naif was officially deflowered.

I miss those heady moments, when it seemed that real change was upon us...when it seemed like there was a possibility that people with a direct impulse for good were going to earnestly steer the country into the stark clear sunshine.

Fast forward and now I've got a 100-year-old house, an ex-husband, a blind geriatric dog and two amazing kids. Like anyone else, the world is truly too much with me at times, but I awake knowing that I am living an authentic life, engaged in the chaos and beauty around me. I've never been happier than I am at this very moment or more hopeful that, like the water lily arising from the muck, through this mire will come our essential goodness. It's not a single man who will change this country, it is us. With linked arms we can do anything.

I know you'll vote, Lone Reader, you're like that. Thanks for listening and love,
Velma

Boo.

2008-10-31T13:35:00.003-05:00

Feeling crummy...both kids are home sick today. Are you coming over here to clean my house, Lone Reader? Didn't you promise that? Plus you'd leave a bag of hundys on the front step? Oh wait, that was in my Nyquil-addled dream last night.

If Typhoid Mary knocks on your door tonight, give her, Medusa and the mummy all your candy and valuables and no one will get hurt.

Love, TM

Hippies vs. Squares

2008-10-30T14:13:00.004-05:00

Nine ways in which my parents were hippies:

1. we moved a lot & lived for awhile on the edge of a reservation in Oklahoma and went to a res. school

2. Whole Earth Catalogue and Foxfire books were well-worn in our house

3. wrapped the house in used black plastic in the winter to retain solar heat (and all of us slept in one woodstove-heated room in the winter)

4. Both parents used the term "the fuzz" i.e., "Watch it, Jerry! It's the fuzz!"

5. Our dining room table was actually a picnic table, and for years we used glasses and cafeteria trays stolen from Cornell

6. father was an environmental science professor (still is) and we had a ridiculous amount of Stop Acid Rain stickers

7. Forbidden to eat grapes (solidarity with the workers), Wonder bread (supported Nixon), and Nestlé products (corporate boycott)

8. My dad had wild Grizzly Adams hair and full beard.

9. No rules, man…see you when I see you.

Nine ways in which my parents were not hippies:

1. Neither parent had braids.

2. Convenience foods were common at home, fostering a love of that trans-fat-crisp that sadly continues to this day.

3. My mom had a bouffant ‘do for years.

4. Too much tv = a deep appreciation for the disappearing art of the television theme song. sigh. (You take the good, you take the bad…)

5. No fringed vests, tie-dye or love beads. (They both had little John Lennon glasses, though.)

6. No communes!

7. Both parents called Jersey “home” for years and years.

8. All three kids have normal names, not a “Kharma” or “Marley” among us.

9. They both worked for the man – whatever university. It wasn’t until junior high that I realized most people don’t take summers off.

Verdict: Ivy League intellectual wanna-be hippies...the worst kind.

Super sick, man

2008-10-28T09:37:00.002-05:00

I am so dang sick, so no real content today other than, yowza does that picture below crack me up. My brother looks like he either has to go to the bathroom or is practicing his supermodel pose. He's definitely the smart one in the group, though - no one can recognize him.

Happy Tuesday, Lone Reader!

Memorable costumes of my youth

2008-10-25T15:25:00.003-05:00

This picture is not of people in costume...those are the outfits that the witness protection program gave my family when we got shipped out to Oklahoma.

Indian Princess: (It was the 70’s – no one said Native American yet) That year my mom was sick and my dad had to get me ready for the school Halloween party. It was really, really hard on him. (I believe it was the first time I heard the word "f*ck.") Maybe by now he’s learned how to braid hair.

McDonald's Fries: a great idea, just shouldn’t have been made out of posterboard – as soon as some one spilled something on me, I left trails of watery ink everywhere I walked.

Bag of jellybeans: really cute until some jerk realized that if he popped all the balloons I’d be left wearing a clear bag and a leotard. Super funny, let me tell ya.

Tube of toothpaste: this one turned out great. And it was the very first time I put a lampshade on my head. (and it needed to be a big lampshade)

Molecule at the German Club’s annual Fasching Party: In high school Connie and I dressed as molecules. It was pretty awesome– we had hula hoops on wires around us and we ran into each other all night. Okay, we weren’t in German Club, nor did we take German, and we lost the costume contest to a young man who wore the same damn frog suit year after year, but other than that it was awesome.

My friend Robin and I dressed in black garbage bags for a punk rock party. We were really the only people dressed like that, so it was a little embarrassing.

Once Jen called to remind me it was PJ day at ECFE (Parent/child classes). When I showed up in a long flannel nightgown, I realized it was only for this kids. Again, a little embarrassing.

Wednesday Addams: this was actually pretty recent – the Crystal Ball in 2005. My then-spouse was dressed as Uncle Fester. That part was super scary – he actually really resembled the dude. I always have a black tights, dress and shoes, so it was really only the wig and my companion that clued people in to who I was.

Hally Happoween, Lone Reader! (a little early)

I take offense!

2008-10-24T08:11:00.002-05:00

A Strib headline from this morning:
Warm hands, not cold ones, lead to warm hearts: Study links physical warmth to nicer behavior

Michelle Bachmann's permanent pucker

2008-10-17T07:17:00.007-05:00

U.S. Representative Michelle Bachmann said in a debate yesterday that illegal immigrants were "bringing in diseases, bringing in drugs, bringing in violence." Wow...that might be as close a definition of xenophobia as ever written. She also said that the recent fall in gas prices stemmed in part from a congressional relaxation of restrictions on offshore drilling this summer. Hmmm... I naively thought it was reduced consumption and a lower price for crude. Read more here.

From an AP story about the debate - Bachmann said, “If the presidency would somehow go to Barack Obama, I would welcome him to the 6th District as well,” she said after the debate. “As a matter of fact, I would put my hand on his shoulder and give him a kiss if he wanted to.” Watch out, Barack!

Let's hope that the tingly feeling she gets whenever G Dub is in the room resonates more with voters than the unfortunate name of her opponent. (Elwin Tinklenberg - say no more.)

Once again, Target is leading the pack in corporate donation to the Republic National Committee. Sigh. Where am I to shop, people?

Apropos nothing:

Joey Chesnutt dominates! In September he kicked Kobayashi's fanny at the Krystal Burger Square Off, eating 93 burgers in eight minutes. On October 12 he downed 45 slices in 10 minutes Sunday to win the first Famous Famiglia World Pizza Eating Championship in New York's Times Square. Jo-ey! Jo-ey!

I got all excited by the UCLA study suggesting that internet use makes one smarter. Then I read this in the Freakonomics blog on NYT. Dang...I guess I'm stuck here.

Have a great weekend, Lone Reader!

Bacon Bits n' more

2008-10-16T17:18:00.006-05:00

¡Hola, Lone Reader! Yes, it's been quite awhile...I'm trying very hard to come back from this super freaky illness. Here's the latest:

1. My Elvis cupcakes made Bacon Unwrapped - yay! Oh, and you can't really refrigerate and then re-whip a buttercream. Or at least I can't.

2. I overheard my son say to a visiting friend, "You know how to get my mom to take a pill? Wrap it in bacon." True, but still insulting.

3. I just discovered the delightful Bacon Today. I loved the story about the tragic loss suffered by a store owner in California. There was a huge fire and he lost all the bacon...it seems the sausages survived, but that's really small comfort now, isn't it? On the plus side, his neighbors lost 3 pounds in water weight following the hours of salivating.

4. Did you see this? It appears that 'Joe the Plumber' isn't named Joe, isn't a licensed plumber and owes back taxes. What's the world coming to when you can't rely on rhetorical characters?

5. So, whad'ya think of the debate? It seems like McCain came out with fire in the belly and then lost it in a strange stroke-like series of rambling, angry comments. Obamanos!

6. Nothing to do tomorrow night...sigh. It's my first weekend without the kids in a month and I have nothing on for tomorrow. I need some groovy cats in my life who are willing to put up with my bizarre schedule, lack of time to do anything I don't want to do and general malaise. I think that level of insensitivity leaves me with hiring friends, aka prostitutes. That doesn't seem right. ("Hey officer, I wasn't going to do anything illegal! I just want to go to the Turf Club!")

7. At last, a new TRUE STORY: When my daughter was in Kindergarten, she joined the school's first-ever running club, with the intent on running in a local non-profit race at the end of the school year. She really liked it and did well. When race day arrived, it was pouring rain. We had committed to running, so we went down to River Road for the kids' one-mile. I lined up with my 5-year-old daughter and my 2-year-old son who wanted to run alongside for a bit. After about 1/2 mile, my daughter started complaining and said she was going to quit. I said, "Look, it's just as long to finish the race as it is to go back now." The whining escalated and she sat down on the course. In the rain. This didn't go over well with me. "Get up." "No." "Get up NOW." I'm starting to be aware that the principal and staff are running up and asking if everything is okay...yes, yes...my daughter has decided to sit in the middle of the road. Meanwhile my son is running in circles around the two of us and he begins wailing. "We're going," I say. I start to make like I'm going to continue running, then I think about how very cruel this seems. I don't actually want to leave my five-year-old on the middle of the road. So, if you were on River Road on a May morning in 2003, you might've seen a soaking wet woman, running and panting while carrying a Kindergartner over her shoulder, being dragged by a yelling toddler over the finish line. Next time I'm running it'll be when someone is chasing me. (and s/he better have a weapon or I ain't doing it.)

Ciao, bella!

Finally...the Elvis Cupcake!!

2008-10-12T20:55:00.002-05:00

Well, Lone Reader, I am slowly getting up to speed. Some freak illness is causing big time headaches but my energy is coming back. But enough about me, what you REALLY want to know is...will the Dow ever crack 10,000 again? Will Sarah Palin's grandchild be named Shootin' Not Putin? or is it how was the Elvis Cake?? I thought so.

I decided to make Elvis Cupcakes, just because I didn't want to get stuck with something really unwieldy in case I needed to foist it off on co-workers. So what makes this an Elvis Cupcake? Peanut butter cake, with banana buttercream frosting, drizzled in chocolate, sprinkled with a mix of grey sea salt, turbinado sugar, codeine, Valium, morphine, and Demorol, and crowned with a lovely piece of bacon. That, and it will give you a coronary. Okay, I made up some of that...

The verdict is in: TASTY! And good to be in cupcake size, as you'll really only want one - it's pretty dang rich. The kids wolfed them down, as did my other test subjects. The bacon and banana combo wasn't off-putting like I thought it would be. Or maybe it was just overwhelmed by everything else going on.

There's no recipe, per se, as I was mainly winging it.
1. Make your fave yellow cake, but add about a cup of smooth peanut butter. Bake into cupcakes and cool completely.

2. While the cake is cooling, cook up some bacon pretty dang crispy and cool.

3. Make buttercream frosting, but add a very ripe banana, mashed super smooth. My frosting here is about 2 sticks butter at room temp, 4 cups of sugar, milk and banana. (I usually make frosting with whole milk, but didn't have any so I used a smidge of the 2% evaporated milk...it was fine.) Don't add a pinch of salt, 'cuz it's coming later.

4. Melt dark chocolate (or whatever you've got) for drizzling. Mix 1 part coarse sea salt with 5 parts turbinado sugar in a little dish.

5. Frost generously, drizzle with melted chocolate, sprinkle with the sugar/salt mix and garnish with a good sized piece of bacon.

There you have it...a peanut butter, banana, chocolate, bacon cupcake! Delish, baby!

Quote from the doctor

2008-10-09T23:41:00.002-05:00

"no mono, no strep...let's just wait and see if your head cracks open...call back in a week if you're still sick."

Blecch

2008-10-08T18:53:00.002-05:00

Still sick...doctor said, "Hmmm...let's drain you of blood and see what happens." Stink.

Feelin' Crummy...la dah dee dah dah dah dah

2008-10-06T15:18:00.003-05:00

I'm going to the dr. tomorrow. Sick enough to go to a doctor is pretty dang sick in my book. Stink. No posts, even though I thought of two very funny true stories in my delusional, addle-brained state. Sigh. I hope the doctor doesn't lace into me about my nutritional habits - who sez that cashews and Tab aren't a fit breakfast?

Concert review

2008-10-04T19:15:00.003-05:00

So, last night was the Weezer show. Tokyo Police Club and Angels & Airwaves opened. I missed Tokyo Police Club, but sadly, saw all of the Angels & Airwaves set. It was truly wretched…a classic example of “I am a rock star” preening and posing. It was so self indulgent and ridiculous that it’s difficult to describe. At one point the lead singer Tom DeLonge danced around in slo-mo while holding some kind of flashlights. He also put a laser helmet on and shines freaky green lasers into the audience. For I second I got excited because I thought it was maybe going to turn all Laser Floyd, but alas, it was still Angels & Airwaves. (It’s a baaad show when Laser Floyd sounds like an improvement.)

Weezer, however, brought it big time. They were amazing! I love to see musicians perform who appear to actually enjoy what they’re doing. Nothing is worse than whining, dour diva performers. (Okay, maybe Angels & Airwaves is.) Rivers and the gang seemed to be genuinely having fun, playing crazy nerdy, defiant power pop. The crowd lapped it up. I was beyond happy and jumped most of the entire show. Plus it was at the x, which is a) close to my house and b) such a great place to see a concert. Two Springsteens and I’ll raise you a Weezer – fab, baby.

So what’s next? I dunno, Lone Reader. No big concerts on the horizon. I’d really like to go see Ben Folds at Myth, but I can’t really swing the $30 right now. sigh

I know I’ve already written about this, but more detail from the Elvis Costello website:

As the leaves turn and the mercury steadily drops, it's time again to turn our thoughts to one of the most special times of the year. Yes, it's nearly time for the return of tinsel and wreaths, stockings and eggnog, and all the trappings of the annual television holiday special season!

Regardless of your religion, a good Christmas TV special can bring us together like nothing else. With that in mind, we are thrilled to announce Elvis Costello's participation in what is sure to be the Christmas television event of the millennium.

On November 23, tune in to Comedy Central for "A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift Of All!" Comedian and former Presidential candidate Stephen Colbert will be joined by musical guests Feist, Toby Keith, John Legend, Willie Nelson and of course, longtime friend of 'The Colbert Show' Elvis Costello for an evening of song and cheer.

"A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift Of All!" will be available on DVD November 25, and since it is the Christmas season (kind of), a portion of the proceeds will benefit the charity Feeding America. The DVD also includes extras such as a "book burning Yule log" that will brighten up any Christmas with the glow of the embers of "The Da Vinci Code."

Peace out, Lone Reader! Keep hope alive! Ramp it up!

My RSS Feed - Random Stupid S*#!

2008-10-02T10:59:00.006-05:00

Mr. Clean died yesterday at the age of 92. I’m sitting shiva by covering my floor with a layer of Legos and dog hair. He is survived by his wife Mrs. Meyer, daughter Caldrea and twin grandsons, Spic and Span. Mr. Clean’s brother, a custodian, has been incarcerated in a drum for decades and was unavailable for comment.

I started the day with bacon and Tab. It’s gonna be a good day. Tomorrow, WEEZER!!

I am very excited about the debate tonight, but I’m nervous for Joe Biden. It’ll be easy to look too aggressive, too tough and like he’s beating up on a girly-girl. I’ll be watching, 4sure. Let’s hope that Gwen Ifill really puts hard questions out there and demands answers. And Joe, watch the clock, Mr. Loquacious!

Believe it or not, msn.com has an article about how to select beer based upon your astrological sign. Mine is Cancer: OK, it is time for you to veer away from the traditional lager. This autumn, celebrate with a brown ale, such as Newcastle Brown Ale. It is nutty with a whisper of sweet, and it will not leave you dangling outside of your comfort zone. It is brewed with "top-fermenting" yeasts at 15-25 degrees Celsius and will leave you feeling refreshed. Give it the old college try! This may be the very first time in my life that I have actually followed the suggestions of an astrologist.

WOW have you seen the latest Al Franken ad?! It begins, "Al Franken sank these ships...crashed these trains...and he hates puppies." Doggone it, I like him. Watch the YouTube of it here.

Keep on keepin' on, Lone Reader!

Watch your back, Damien Hirst!

2008-10-01T16:08:00.002-05:00

Here comes David Ottogalli, master of the Peep as medium. Maybe we could send this as a Trojan horse to Sarah Palin and she could eat until her teeth fell out...

See more of Ottogalli's amazing, obsessive work at peepshow.

How I Became a Sort-Of Minnesotan

2008-09-30T11:17:00.003-05:00

I lived in Alaska for a year right after grad school. I worked at The Anchorage Museum of History and Art, and the biggest news while I was there was that a K-Mart would be opening in town. (There were no discount kind-of stores at the time…that’s right, Lone Reader, a pre-Target era.) When that K-Mart opened, people waited outside for hours to get in. This is what you’d do for fun, when you’re not hunting or banning books. It was really a frontier, even in Anchorage…I saw a dude go into McDonalds with a gun in the waistband of his pants. Not to rob the place, mind you, just to get a McDLT.

I really, really didn’t want to raise a family there. There was hardly any art and it was so conservative. It was really harsh. My then spouse and I tried to figure out where to move next. We actually filled out all the paperwork to emigrate to New Zealand, and according to their point system, would’ve gotten in. Our families convinced us that this would not be good. And since we’d never been there, it seemed a little foolhardy. We finally made a list of criteria for finding a home: a city that was at least reasonably affordable with good political involvement, seasonal change, a strong arts community, and two newspapers. (That last one was a hold-over from Mike Kautsch, my beloved Reporting I professor. “Any town that can support rival dailies has at least a moderately literate population. Plus, the papers keep each other honest…in theory anyway.”

This led us to very few places – cities on the East Coast like Boston or Philly, Seattle or Minneapolis. (My mom had dibs on Chicago – no way was I going to share a city with her.) Affordable kicked most cities out. I would’ve liked Seattle, but it was right after the big Seattle migration and you’d hear stories all the time about Californians searching for work in Seattle and being massively bummed about the rain. Minneapolis seemed the logical choice – besides, the state had elected Paul Wellstone, a Jewish, college professor, community organizer who was already making a name for himself as an upstart liberal firebrand. Be still, my bleeding heart.

So we said goodbye to the last frontier, packed all our belongings in containers and sent them off to the Midwest. We, then, packed two weeks worth of stuff in the Miata, put our pug dog on the back ledge and drove home. We staggered out of the car in Minneapolis’ 7 corners Holiday Inn only to be told we had made a reservation at the downtown St. Paul Holiday Inn. After all the planning and list-making, we ended up settling in St. Paul because we called the wrong number in the phone book. The politics have been disappointing at times, and Wellstone’s death was heartbreaking, but the arts are almost thriving in the Twin Cities and I’ve been employed since living here. I’ve made tremendous friends and hardly any enemies. (kidding.) I’m happy that my kids were born here. (I’m not, however, happy that they say “pop” instead of soda and “duck, duck, grey duck”.) I don’t consider myself a Minnesotan, maybe because I moved so much as a kid, I’m reticent to say I’m from anywhere…you know, always have one foot out the door. This is, I guess, the closest I’ve ever come to being “from” somewhere. All in all, it’s pretty good in Minnesota. Maybe I really am a Minnesotan. Well, ask me again in February.

Bacon, Failed Ben & Jerry's Flavors n' more

2008-09-25T15:36:00.008-05:00

Bacon news:
via my meat-lovin’ co-worker comes this link to the AntiCraft. It’s a delightful site that boldly takes on the gosh-darn-cuteness of so many craftster projects. The following pictures are from this site.

Baconhenge

Pork Princess

Bacon-wrapped Vegan

And although it’s been written about before, the instructables site on how to make soap from bacon fat is pretty informative. and gross.

My bacon experiments? I find myself stalling out, Lone Reader. I can’t bring myself to do more than just cook the bacon. I know, I need to get on the stick. In addition to my traditional election year jack o’lanterns, I think I’ll carve a pork o’lantern.

Gross food news:
A Montpelier newspaper is reporting that PETA asked Ben & Jerry’s to make their products with human breast milk rather than cows’ milk. Ewww…and who’s going to offer up the goods? What will happen to my beloved Coffee Heath Bar? Will the delicate nuance of Stephen Colbert’s AmeriCone Dream be tainted by the tofu vindaloo the donor ate the night before? Too scary.

Years ago, when I was in Ithaca New York, I went to a Ben & Jerry’s store that happened to be having a contest to create a new flavor. I suggested a sweet cream base with a raspberry swirl and gummi body parts…Creamy Cadaver! Surprisingly, I did not win.

Financial news:
Yes, it’s true - things are bad. We’ll probably end up with wheelbarrows full of dollars to buy a tank of gas. Oh wait, we’re already there. I find myself anxious about our collective future and somewhat fatalistic about the fall of the American Empire, yet there’s also a little bit of schadenfreude, too. I have a friend who is a professional dancer at the age of 82. She’s a rabble-rouser and told me about 10 years ago that the “huffers and puffers have to do their part, too…otherwise we’ll be carrying them on our backs for the next 100 years.” Dang O’Dell – I’m about ready to vote for Florence for president. Or at least have her pick some lottery numbers for me ‘cuz she’s my psychic friend 4ril.

Some repetitive lyrics for you:
My, my, my…Delilah? Let your bright light shine? My my woo?
Yes, yes, yes, I’m impressed.

Bye, bye, bye - Velma

Urgent Funds Transfer Proposal from US Minister of Bailouts

2008-09-23T12:32:00.006-05:00

Making its way 'round the blogospere is the following e-mail. (I didn't write it.) Forward it to 790,000 of your friends and we'll find our way out of this financial mess.

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transaction is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Henry Paulson

Bono v. Palin

2008-09-23T11:44:00.003-05:00

What follows is an actual transcript of Sarah Palin’s meeting with Bono at the UN today:

Handler: Mr. Bono, I am pleased to introduce you to Governor Sarah Palin.
(they shake hands)

Bono: I agreed to meet with you today to…

Palin: I’m sorry to interrupt you, but oh my stars…I thought you were killed by a tree while you were skiing! (and I LOVE to ski, by the way.) You look great!

Bono: That wasn’t me and I don’t ski. I’m here to talk with you about the grave problem that all citizens are currently facing…

Palin: Do you have cataracts? My mom has cataracts and ya know, you can get surgery for it. Oh goodness…I interrupted you again. Sorry – please continue.

Bono: I do not have cataracts. I’m here to discuss world hunger. This crisis is of epic proportions…

Palin: I couldn’t agree more. For one American to be hungry in this country of so much opportunity and prosperity shames us all.

Bono: Although there are many hungry in the US, the problem of world hunger is reaching epidemic proportions.

Palin: You know what, I respect your people. You guys really pulled yourselves up by the bootstraps with whole potato famine thing. No handouts, just good old fashioned American initiative.

Bono: You know that that was in Ireland, right?

Palin: Aww, c’mon…you know we’re on the same team. Ever since the war, you’re almost like the 49th state!

Bono (abruptly standing and saying to the handler): I told you this was a load of bollocks…she’s insane! (Bono storms out.)

Palin (calling to the rapidly departing musician): Hey, wait! I have some really slick ideas about sending polar bear meat to hungry kids! And do you know David Lee Roth?

It's a smarty pants blog - back to stoopid tomorrow, I promise

2008-09-22T16:46:00.006-05:00

1. A friend asked me why triclosan was bad...here's the answer.

2. National Geographic is reporting the discovery of hundreds of new species of Australian marine life, including this fantastic, bioluminescent jelly comb. Must be jelly 'cuz jam don't shake like that.

3. Okay, so I read this article in the NYT by Natalie Angier...it's fascinating. It describes the way the kind of numerical logic that many animals have - picking a bush with more berries, rather than one with fewer, for example and how humans use that skill in congress with more traditional, math-test kind of learning.

I liked the fact that it came with a version of the test the survey used to determine levels of innate numerical logic. (A version of the test is here.) I must say, I became very, very smug when I got the test correct for eleven times in a row. (It's pretty heady to see that "100% correct") (She'll always be a suck up to the standardized test. -ed.) Somewhere after number 12 it all went south. What does this tell me - I have great mathematical instincts for a very short time, after which point I'll begin to drool and can be out reasoned by a bar of soap? I hope not. I came out at 84% correct after 25 tests, which is the minimum number needed to get a reasonable result. You know me, I'm gonna go practice now...

tired + cannibals = crazy

2008-09-22T11:11:00.005-05:00

Well, Lone Reader, I’m not even sure where to begin. The fundraiser is over – YAY! It went very well, with a 23% increase in income over last year’s event. It was an amazing amount of work. (Am I secretly a caterer? Sometimes it feels that way…) There was a lot of complaining and toting heavy things, not enough eating or drinking, but it was super successful overall. Is there a way to do these things that doesn’t burnout staff? If so, let me know.

After the event, I worked like a dog helping to reset the gallery. Sheesh…I was so tired on Saturday that I was slurring my words, my tongue was thick from having consumed NO liquids in 20 hours, and I thought I was having auditory hallucinations. Then I crashed like a baby on Benadryl and slept a lot. The work dreams are still appearing though – I sit upright in bed, thinking about something I forgot, then remember, “Oh yeah, it’s over.” Now I’m ramping up for a donor event in a few weeks, then the annual ask letter.

In other news:
Did you watch any of the Emmy awards? BORING, man. Seriously dull.

I strongly encouraged my boyfriend to watch the Donner Party DVD over the weekend. It’s a 1997 PBS American Experience by Ric Burns. I highly recommend it. Even though I’ve seen it probably a dozen times, I still find this story incredibly compelling. Sure it’s got cannibalism, but so much more…it’s an epic story of survival, perseverance and the tremendous toll of avarice. (Yeah, I own it, so what?) (weirdo – ed.)

Next weekend is a neighborhood party, then the weekend after is both Weezer and a baby shower. (not simultaneously, of course.) One of my sister’s good friends is also a former blog reader (come back to the fold, Em!) AND she’s having a baby. I’d love to make a bacon-themed party, but my sister has far more taste than that. I’m helping with the desserts. Baking is so enjoyable when it’s for fun, not for work.

The image above is by Dan Goodsell, the creator of Mr. Toast, Shaky Bacon, Joe the Egg and so much more. His stuff rocks. Visit his world here.

Well, I’m off to work, now. Yes, it’s late to be going in, but don’t you judge me, Lone Reader! Peace out, Velma

Think good thoughts...

2008-09-19T04:53:00.003-05:00

OMG it's fundraiser day. I'll be at work from 8 am 'til 11 tonight. Wish me luck, Lone Reader! (No whammy, no whammy, no whammy...stop!)

Funny things

2008-09-17T09:10:00.004-05:00

Funny stuff about a not funny thing:

The Sarah Palin offspring name generator. My name would be Meat Notgay. I'll stick with what I've got, thank you very much.

Tryg Palin, the latest offspring of the Gov and First Dude of Alaska has a middle name of "Van" in tribute to the band Van Halen...get it?

Tina Fey as Palin on SNL - I didn't see it on TV, but you can't avoid it online. Doing my part to advance the blogosphere's obsession...

Genuinely funny stuff:
Comedy Central has announced that Stephen Colbert will be producing a one-hour Christmas special, "A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All!" Even better, Elvis Costello will appear on the show. If they could get Sharon Jones to appear, life would be dang near perfect. (That'll be after the election and I'm nothing if not an optimist.)

Stay classy, Wassila!

Random poo, just for you

2008-09-15T18:49:00.004-05:00

1. The art gallery where I work was broken into last night. WTF are people thinking?
2. I think I've survived a visit from the x-in-laws...I'll know for sure by tomorrow morning, when they leave town and I can breathe again.
3. I want to go see Burn After Reading but I can't until After the Fundraiser.
4. TMBG at First Ave was crazy freakin' tasty. I'll love those nerdy boys so much.
5. Did you see this story about a 33-year-old mom who stole her out-of-state daughter's identity so she could enroll in high school and be a cheerleader? Well, now you have.
6. I've had bacon but once in the past 10 days. My blood isn't used to flowing so freely through my arteries, man.
7. Try the spinach scramble at the Highland Grill - spinach, egg, and Brie. yum.
8. is my lucky number.

Love, Velma

Crazy days and zealots always get me down

2008-09-12T11:47:00.002-05:00

I don’t have time for this, Lone Reader! It is officially crazy time around here. Tonight I go see They Might Be Giants – it’ll be awesome, 4ril. Tomorrow bright n’ early the ex in-laws arrive. (The X-in-laws! Appearing soon at a theater near you…) I am bracing myself for a distinctly-them mix of pity, judgment and scorn. Sigh…

Tomorrow night I’m working at a huge opening ‘til 11:30. Sunday morn it’s church w/ the ex-in-laws. I’m really not sure why this dictum came down to me…they’re the most devout Catholics I’ve ever met. (When a priest tells you to calm down, you’re rabid.) Me? Unitarian. The last time these folks visited my church they dropped to their knees and genuflected. Before what? I’m not sure…was it the sight of hippies and open thinking? I dunno.

Sunday afternoon is a picnic, if the weather’s nice. The x-in-laws have requested that they join us at this event. Nay. We don’t need to do that, man. Life is hard enough without having to explain who the white people praying behind me are.

And on top of that, my gallery’s only real fundraiser of the year is next Friday. (Yes, it’s my baby and it wakes me up at night as such.) Oh, and I have a grant due Monday.

And my 1906 Victorian house is beginning rodent season. Blecch. I am tidy and never leave food out, so don’t judge me, Lone Reader. My house is so old that it’s essentially open to the elements, and that includes pests. So, this time of year for me involves all kinds of nasty poison blocks thrown under the deck (“Bon appetit, Mickey!”) and two weeks of traps inside the house. That does the trick, but it’s pretty grueling to be the mouse patrol. And since I have young children, there’s a lot of “You guys wait up here for a few minutes…mommy’s gonna, umm…make a surprise breakfast! yeah, a surprise breakfast…” while I rush down to make the rounds and pitch the corpses. Of course, then the kids come downstairs and say, “Where’s the surprise?” Surprise! I’m letting you get your own breakfast! Woo-hoo! They don’t fall for it again, let me tell ya.

Happy weekend, Lone Reader! Wish me luck for this weekend’s battles, be they rodent or relatives…

Mmm...trans fats...

2008-09-11T23:11:00.003-05:00

What makes me a sucker? SO many things, really. The latest example is the 100th anniversary package of Hydrox. I saw it at the Rainbow Grocery in the 'hood (and it is truly in the 'hood). Do I like Hydrox? I don't recall ever having had one. I know for a fact I don't like Oreos. I bought it anyway, just 'cause the packaging was so lovely. Hey, guess what? For all the hoo-ha, they're pretty much Oreos which are gross.

The package sure is purdy, though.