Monday, February 1, 2010

Beware of Marmots in Groundhogs' Clothing


Watch out, Phil! There's a marmot on your tail!

Governor Palin did so much for Alaska - she gave it Marmot Day. No wonder she stepped down - there was nothing left to do.

Saturday, January 30, 2010


Up for the 4:45 Percocet. Drummer Guy's surgery went well. Maybe I'll give him one, too.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Punxsutawney Phil Releases Letter to PETA


With regard to this news item

Dear PETA,

I know you're only thinking of me. When you say "Groundhogs are typically shy animals" you are absolutely correct. My cousin Elliot is crazy shy. Like "needs-meds" shy. Like "can't-even-get-with-a-blind-squirrel-on-St. Paddy's Day" shy. Me, not so much. I'm pretty happy to be yanked out of my burrow - I mean it's only once a year. I get hoisted in the air - it's kind of like I'm Simba. Sure, the guy in the top hot has cold hands. But have you seen the crowds? Thousands of people come to see me! Last year Al Roker kissed me! (Okay, put that one in the pro-animatronic category.) Seriously, you cannot buy this kind of coverage. (I'm working on a plan with Archer Daniels Midland to bleach a logo on my fur.)

Besides, did you hear what William Deeley, president of the Inner Circle of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, replied? He said I am "being treated better than the average child in Pennsylvania." You KNOW that's true. If you don't believe it, look at the tooth decay rate here - I mean, Hershey's AND Peeps from the same state?! Taylor Swift's blinding white chiclet teeth didn't come from being raised in Reading, PA, I'll tell you that much.

The final word to you, PETA - go after some other animal's holiday. I hear the Easter Bunny is pretty pissed off - go work for him. Leave me my one day.

Love always,

Punxsutawney Phil

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Comcast = Scam Cot


A. Reason Number 74 Why Cable Companies Stink:
Hmmm... well Comcast, in its infinite wisdom, decided that my cable modem was suddenly obsolete. Yes, it was working just fine, but you know, it WAS 6 years old. So, when I went to get online, I got a lovely message that read "We, the flusterclucks of Comcast, have determined that you can no longer use your perfectly suitable modem. We're only thinking of you. It's for your own good. This hurts us more than it hurts you. Love, Comcast. P.S. If you leased your equipment from us, this kind of crap would never happen."

No internet access for A WHOLE DAY!!

Sigh. Well, I have a blistering fast new cable modem and big ol' hole in my pocket.

B. Today is First Day of the Rest of Your Life, Brine Shrimp

The dog experiment is over (thank you, Jesus!) and my son's science fair experiment begins this afternoon. Will the hatch rate of brine shrimp be affected by exposure to light? Yes, Lone Reader, he's doing an experiment on brine shrimp. NOT SEA MONKEYS, which are a righteous rip-off. See previous post here.

C. Looks like Drummer Guy has a hernia and it needs surgical repair, soon. Oh health care reform, you distant chimera...when oh when will we know relief?

D. It's 5 degrees outside and it feels like 4 degrees in my house. Really, I'm ready for the end of winter.

E. Something happy, you request?
Hmm... is it this news story on PETA's request for a robot Punxsutawney Phil? Perhaps the news that the BEST cupcakes in the Twin Cities are going to be available one day a week right down the street from my house? No, silly...it's the Apple tablet!!

Fight the Power, Lone Reader!
Love,
Velma

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Pocket Hercules


Sigh. I LOVED Pocket Hercules. Do you remember him? His real name was Naim Suleymanoglu. He was the tiny weightlifter from Turkey who won three gold medals in the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta. He weighed 136 lbs, was a mere 4’ 11” and could lift three times his body weight.

Don’t get me wrong, Lone Reader – this gal is no fan of weightlifting in general. (The bulgi-ness! The oil! The tight uniforms! Wait a minute…) Naim Suleymanoglu captured the world’s attention for a moment and Pocket Hercules became a celeb of the moment at the Olympics.

I love the idea of something super small and super strong – it’s like the Ant and the Aardvark in between Pink Panther cartoons. That was way better than the Pink Panther, if you ask me. (No one did. –Ed.)

Tomorrow I'll write about the make-believe world of super-sized insects. Maybe. For now, I gaze warm heartedly upon Pocket Hercules, that wee li'l fellow.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


Getting ready for book club at my house tonight. The book was "History of Love" by Nicole Krauss. I didn't love it. Well, I sorta loved it while I was reading it, then as soon as it ended I thought, "Meh." Don't get me wrong, I love a nonlinear narrative as much as the next bloke, but when you need an index card cheat sheet to remember who's who, well then...you might as well be reading Dickens. And it's BOOK CLUB. I did, howver, enjoy reading reviews of the book. I had no idea that Nicole Krauss was part of a literary ├╝bercouple...her husband is Jonathan Safran Foer, author of "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close". (Above is a photo of them Park Slope-n'-it-up with baby Sasha an couple of years ago.) Apparently, she don't discuss the home life much and is a little defensive about both she and Jonathan publishing books within one month of each other that deal with WWII survivors who move to America and have non-linear flashbacks. I'm just sayin', if you're havin' lunch with the girl, don't bring it up.

My picks for books have been pretty mixed, I must admit. I picked John Banville's "The Sea" a phenomenal, grand book about an old man remember his life. Nothing happens and at least once a page one needs to find a good thick dictionary. Tasty for me and a couple of others in the group, but many were put off by a) the really dense writing and b) the lack of any discernable plot. I picked "Blindness" a fast, engaging read that was liked and a Sherman Alexie book that wasn't liked. What can you do, man? Sometimes you hit it, and sometimes you just need to quit it.

*************

Do you remember Audra Lee from Kid's Beat? You do?! "I'm Audra Lee! See you next time on Kid's Beat!" It was a one-minute, fluffy news program that was on TBS in the 80s.

She's grown up and working in television production now, at least according to iMDb It's nice to see she didn't go the Dano Plato route. That said, I guess she could still pop up on "Celebrity Rehab." I know she's not on the same level as say, Joey Kovar from Real World #322, but a girl can dream.

Stay classy, Audra Lee!

Monday, January 18, 2010

Been a long time, Lone Reader!


Holy mackerel. There has been a fair amount of crazy in the past few months. Every member of my household got very sick, one after another. (We're well now.) A family member was diagnosed with pretty serious breast cancer around Thanksgiving. My blind, geriatric Pomeranian appears to be going deaf now, which is forcing me to consider when the big sleep might be. Another family member broke her leg. On the plus side, I now have health insurance and I'm getting married at the end of the summer. The nonprofit I work for hit all its financial goals in 2009, despite the economy. The kids had a good Christmas and we had a typical New Year's Eve - fun 'til somebody gets hurt.

I must admit that both twitter and facebook have taken my attention from you, Lone Reader, but you were always there...so many little blog notes litter my desktop about funny topics and crazy stories. I'm back, my babies, and I've missed you.

Let's be our glorious selves again, shall we?