Sunday, August 31, 2008

There she is, your breaker of ties in the Senate…


Sarah Palin

- named her kids Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper and Trig

- is under investigation in Alaska for alleged involvement in the firing of a state trooper who happened to be divorcing Ms. Palin’s sister

- brought a lawsuit to stop the federal government from declaring polar bears an endangered species

- 21 months ago was the mayor of Wasilla Alaska, a town I’ve been in. Believe me…it’s no great shakes.

- was Miss Wasilla in 1984. Can Joe Biden make the same claims on American heartstrings? I think not.

You see, Lone Reader, I lived in Alaska. I worked with women like this – conservative, scary women with expensive manicures who can gut a deer as soon as look at you. While they’re not people you want to, oh I dunno, train as museum docents, they’re also not people you want a heartbeat away from assuming power of the free world. (from a 72 year-old man, no less.)

Then again, she does have the lady bidness, so I guess she’s qualified.

Friday, August 29, 2008

It's the Fair Report, Part Deux!


Well, I got to the fair at about 8:45 this morn. It was lovely outside - perfect temp and not a cloud in the sky. We started with a tour of the 'Miracle of Birth Center'. I've yet to ever see an animal born there, but I have seen throngs of gawkers waiting. As a woman who has calved two big-headed lovelies, I must say, I really feel for those mama animals. I couldn't begin to describe the horrors you would've seen and heard if I had been on display during labor. With both of my kids, the labor was, well, hard. (duh) and seriously endless. And complicated. The pushing part, though, was fabulous. The beauty of giving birth to a baby with a great gourd is that once the head breaks trail, it's smooth sailing the rest of the way. (to mix metaphors) I'm proud to say that I have the only deliveries on record at Abbott Northwestern where the doctor needed a catcher's mitt.

Sorry, I digress...back to the fair. We drank a whole lot of milk, the kids split a funnel cake (blecch) and we lost about $14 on games on the midway. My son and I rode the Tilt-a-Whirl twice and LOVED it. We made crop art and laughed at some crazy roosters. At SMarty's advice, we went to the old time-y part of the fair including the MN State Fair Museum. It was pretty good! (They just don't shoot people outta cannons anymore, do they?) The absolutely creepiest part of the fair was in the agriculture building, where for some reason there's a toddler doll with a press-on beard rotating on a turntable with an ox. What Paul Bunyan would've looked like at 4? An incredibly hirsute lost child? Who knows.

We also had Pig Lickers, the chocolate covered bacon by Famous Dave's. I had tried it with my friend last week and liked it. This time, not so much. The bacon was rubbery and there was no grey sea salt on top. It really was a crazy kinda chewy/slimy texture. Not so good. Big Fat Bacon, however, was SO worth the wait. It was a gigantic, thick cut bacon strip on a stick with assorted sauces to choose from. I opted for orange chipotle. It was a little marmalade-y and could've used more acid in it, but it was good. And the bacon was to die for - yum. The day's crud food array was rounded out with a skewer of frozen grapes (not good) and a strawberry malt from the dairy building. I'm barely breathing from all the sugar and nitrates. Tomorrow - veggies and kefir and flax seed, oh my.

Ciao, Lone Reader! Happy weekend!

David Duchovny, Why Don't You Love Me?


Apparently Bree Sharp shoulda changed the word from "love" to somethin' else. Oh well.

Update & Book Reviews


Well, what a weird few days, Lone Reader. On Tuesday I got some kind of bizarre 8 hour stomach bug. Today, I’m fine. Go figure. So what else is new? Today was the back-to-school open house for the young ‘uns. Lots of social angst from my daughter over who was or wasn’t in her class. It’ll be okay…right? right. I’m also on a home organization tear, now emptying my garage of crap, not a simple task. Tonight I sorted two giant Rubbermaid containers of stuff and have again so much for Goodwill. Honestly, if I get audited, they’ll say how could you POSSIBLY give that much away in one year?!

Tomorrow morning bright and early I head to the fair w/ the kids. and my mom. I’m hoping the massive doses of cholesterol and nitrates will help ease the stress of being with my mom. I’m having the bacon on a stick, baby!

Book reviews:
I finished 'Not The End of the World' by Kate Atkinson. I loved it. It’s a collection of short stories that are inventive, dark and dreamlike. It was simultaneously depressing and hopeful, a quality that always resonates with me.

I’m almost finished with 'My Husband’s Sweethearts' by Bridget Asher, the pen name of Julianna Baggott. I bought the book for two reasons: 1) I LOVED the Julianna Baggott & Steve Almond book ‘Which Brings Me To You’ and hoped for another smart, insightful funny work. (See my review of this phenomenal tome here.) and 2) Ms. Baggott corresponded with me briefly after I wrote about the book in blog and was super funny & cool in her e-mail, too. Sad to say, this book was a bit of a let down. I think it belongs firmly in the chick lit ghetto. It’s not un-enjoyable, but pretty predictable and unbelievable. sigh. There’s a reason it wasn’t written under her own name, I guess. I’ll give her another try by reading something else and let you know.

Well, I’ve got an $80,000 grant calling my name. Work calls at this, the midnight hour. The life of a single mom/ fundraiser/ groovy ghoulie never lets up, man.

I have two lines of thought for my next TRUE STORY: childhood toy hospital or natural disasters...any preference, Lone Reader?

I close with two lines paraphrased from Jon Stewart’s DNC coverage.
- The Democrats really have to prove their patriotism tonight. Everyone knows the Republicans love their country; they just hate half the people living in it.

- Get to Mile High Stadium early for Obama’s speech because hope won’t park your motherf*ckin’ car!

True dat.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Happy Birthday, Elvis!


Dear Mr. Costello,

I know that this whole Diana Krall thing is just a way of you biding time 'til you meet me again. You've gotta give it up man. You're a dozen years older then I am...you're busy with that whole 'music' thing and I'm busy with that whole 'real life' thing. It's not going to work out. And what did you do with all the money I sent you to fix your teeth?!

I'm going to send back all the love notes and trinkets you've send me over the years. (I've gotta keep the jewelry though, it's a girl's prerogative.) And I'm keeping the blog name, too. And all the CDs. And I've still never washed the hand you kissed, even though it was 1985. My doctor says I might lose it soon to the gangrene, but even then I'd pack it in dry ice as a symbol of our love. (Call for a psych eval. - ed.)

Happy birthday, darling! Love always,

Velma

Sunday, August 24, 2008

How could I forget - BACON!


A dear friend pointed out that I forgot to give my bacon reviews from the fair! The Famous Dave's Pig Lickers are pretty good. You have to get past the name (eww) and the temperature - they're served cold. The combo of the chocolate and the bacon was good and the sea salt pushed it over the top into the realm of fair food. My friend Robin who went with me doesn't even like bacon (wha?!) and she ate two pieces. We went near closing and got a cone very full of bacon chocolate goodness. While I didn't enjoy it enough to get it again, it was good for fair food. (and I heard it was on Good Morning America this week in a story about fair food...that and Jesse Ventura - does our pride show?)

I couldn't find the bacon on a stick. I'll look again when I'm there w/ the young 'uns. I did get a bacon and swiss crepe from the stand under the slide. Blecch. I like their crepe batter - not too sweet, and not too gluten-y/chewy but the filling was bad. Even I, Lone Reader, don't want to eat 2 cups of crumbled bacon dry inside a crepe. I pitched a lot of it.

The rest of the fair food I had was pretty standard - a malt from the butterhead building and too much diet coke and lemonade. I ate two of my friend's cheese curds and promptly remembered why I hate them. This week I'll get my standard stuff - a bowl of watermelon, a frozen cider pop, etc. No Pronto Pups for this gal. I might try the frozen latte (or is it a mocha?) on a stick next to the DFL booth -- a few years ago it was very highly regarded in the paper and thus was sold out by the time I got to the fair. Plus it's made by Grand Old Creamery, my local fix.

There - oversight corrected. Thanks, SMarty for the reminder! In other food news, St. Paulite Andrew Zimmern recently blogged about the possibility of a second Brasa opening in the Twin Cities, maybe in the old Italian Pie Shoppe space on Grand Ave. That's walking distance, chum, and that means I'll have to start eating more meat. Oh well, it's the price I must pay. (And I'm sure as hell not going to Salut on Grand. Rude, rude, rude manager (and I'm a witness to that fact) and I've heard nothing but bad things about the food.)

Apropos nothing, remember Lone Reader - sunblock is our friend. (and no, I'm not changing my name to Rudolph.) Ciao!

Go You Chicken Fat, Go!


So are you wondering, Lone Reader, how was Sharon Jones? FABULOUS! it wasn’t as good as the First Ave show I saw last year, but it was pretty dang good. I was part of the group that decided the State Fair security was a little too tight and rushed the stage. Wait, that sounds more thoughtful than it was…I got carried along by the group I was dancing with and ended up right against the stage. I loves me some Sharon Jones. And the Dap-Kings were smooth and cool and suited up like always. Super awesome, man, 4ril.

My friend left yesterday at noon. It was a really great visit. The Summit Brewing tour was very interesting – crowded for a Thursday afternoon! (Free beer and they will come…) I find that most beer tastes kind of, well, beer-y. So much for my sophisticated palate.

My wusband has informed me, with oh-so-clever-slyness that he is now aware of this blog. My mind is racing…did I say anything bad? I don’t think so. Other than pay your damn child support on time. Sigh. And now my ex-in-laws (does that make them outlaws?) are coming to town in two weeks. Buckle up, Lone Reader, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Since my posts have been rather, well, pedestrian lately, I offer you the following TRUE STORY from my grand adventure so long ago in East Africa:

So, to get from Nairobi, Kenya to Arusha, Tanzania took a few means of transport. One thing we had to do was walk across the border to get checked in. We ended up getting what was called a share-ride taxi to take us as far as it could toward the border. In Nairobi, what this entailed was getting our backpacks and standing outside by a taxi stand. There were about 5 mid-80s K-car kind of rides sitting around. They were waiting for enough passengers to make it worth their while. After about an hour, more people showed up and a guy said, “You two! C’mon.” We dutifully lined up next to his beater of a car. Tanya called window. Little did we know, we would not only not be by the window, but we would be sharing the ride with 4 other passengers. And two vats ominously labeled “chicken fat”. Tanya and I sat on strangers’ laps, holding heavy, greasy tubs while we slowly made our way out of Kenya. The taxi driver had one cassette – Ace of Base. He played it over and over. To this day, when I hear “All that she wants is another bay-beh…” I can smell chicken fat.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Woo-hoo! It's a big day!


Today my friend and I are going on a tour of Summit Brewing, then in the evening we're going to the State Fair to see Sharon Jones & the Dap Kings. I'm pretty damn excited. I saw a lot of live music last year and Sharon Jones was really tops - she's got a groove that is unmatched. I predict there will be frenzied dancing and droppin' it like it's hot.

I'm also going to seek out the new bacon-related foods at the fair. When one does a search for "bacon" on the Strib's interactive fair food map the following items come up, all of them new (according to the Strib...I'm not so sure about that Axel's one.) :
Axel's - Handmade tator tots made with hash browns, cheddar cheese, bacon, green onion and sour cream, deep-fried and served three on-a-stick
Big Fat Bacon - 1/3 slice of bacon fried and caramelized with maple syrup, served on a stick with dipping sauces.
Famous Dave's State Fair - Pig Lickers (chocolate-covered crisp-fried bacon pieces)

I'm definitely going to try to get the last two - tater tots do nothing for me. (I know, I'm not really a Minnesotan.) My friend has never been to the MN State Fair, so it should be a lovely time. I'll report back to you, Lone Reader, if I haven't had a coronary from the bacon!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The fanciest vet office EVER


My dog needs cataract surgery. $2,600, not including the aftercare expenses. It shoulda clued me in when we went to the clinic for the veterinary opthamologist and the counters are granite, the floor is slate and there's a copper ceiling. Dang, I wanna come back as a vet specialist in my next go 'round.

I got my books today, but I've gotta work now to pay for the surgery. More later, Lone Reader.

Clone Wars Review


I. Clone Wars wasn't horrible. It really wasn't. I was disappointed by the lack of the original Star Wars music. It reminded me of the many Law & Order spin offs - you know, you hear the music and it's just altered enough to let you know that what you are watching is actually substandard. The new girl character, Ahsoka, is pretty annoying and, in the tradition of Ewoks, seems to be a boy-franchise's way of reaching out to girls. I didn't dislike the animation, although many do, probably because it reminded me the Thunderbirds and I've seen and tolerated some really bad animation in my child-rearing days. I think it's hysterical that in a movie that features one battle after another, for the first time we hear someone call for a medic for the wounded soldiers. ("See Johnny - they care about each other.")

It did feel like a long Saturday morning cartoon. I can see that if I was a die-hard Star Wars fan it would bug. Since I'm not, and since the Star Wars fan in my life is 7, it felt just right. At least it didn't confuse me.

II. I discovered that my girlfriend who's staying here this week doesn't like bacon. I've decided to continue being her friend, but I'm watching her closely to see if she's actually part of an alien race.

Monday, August 18, 2008

just a brief note


No, I'm not dead, Lone Reader. Just dead tired.

On the plus side of things, my friend Robin is coming to visit me today! YAY! She is soo awesome it hurts. (not really) And the kids are in swimming camp - praise the Lord and pass the Coppertone. I think I'm getting my shipment from Amazon today, so I'll report on my new choices for the ol' bookshelf. And I may be going to see Clone Wars today. Wish me luck. (I'm easily confued by sci-fi...I'm guessing that the animation won't bring me any clarity either.

I also played Wii yesterday with my good friends known by the combined name of Klarla. The kids and I were invited for pizza and Wii and I must say, I'm a little bit big talk on the Wii tennis. Why are there always doubles? Why do I grunt like Monica Seles when I'm virtually serving? Why does the rain fall from up above? So many questions.

More later. (and keep those Sea Monkeys responses comin' - we're litigants on the side of right, baby!)

Friday, August 15, 2008

The Midnight Ride up North


Listen my children and you shall hear
of the night the Republicans will invade here
On the first of September in this year (naught 8)
McCain and his posse arrive in our state

Will Timmy go big time? Will Michelle land a kiss?
(If she doesn’t buss somebody, something’s amiss.)
The penultimate question – just tell me the truth
Is there enough pancake to recapture youth?

They’ll be here, Lone Reader, in four days crammed full
But I’m here to alert you (I’m dyed in-the-wool)
We’ll set up with pickets in quite a tableau
We’ll chant like our parents “Hey-hey” and “Ho-ho”

Shall we carry a banner stained by bleeding heart?
(If we’re peckish let’s get some quinoa a la carte.)
When exhausted from battle and covered in scars
even in the wee hours, we can still go to bars.

You know maybe, Lone Reader, it won’t be so bad.
Elephant hats might start a new fad.
Who am I kidding? We all know the truth.
By the dawn of next month we’ll say, “Why not Duluth?”

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Nothing about Michael Phelps or the Jonas Bros

Good news:
- I got my pre-sale tickets to see Weezer at the Xcel in October!
- My girlfriend is coming to visit for a week! Woo-hoo! I predict a brewery tour, lots of laughing, crazy dancing at the Sharon Jones concert on the 21st and good food. I love her.
- I had a return to make to Amazon and found three more books I really wanted.

Bad news:
It's been an expensive day, Lone Reader. For some dude to come haul away brush cost me $180. Weezer tickets weren't cheap. I maybe ordered four books on Amazon. I met with a lawyer who charged me $100 to tell me he can't help me. Back to school shopping today...sigh. Work is crazy right now. And where is my damn child support?

No news:
I started art-making again. Okay maybe this is a little bit good news. Should I paint a tableau of my arch-nemeses, Sea Monkeys & spiders, visiting a haunted house? Maybe throw a clown in there for good measure? Or should it be a beautiful encaustic work with the pigment encased in bacon fat? So many choices...

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Deep Fears


What are you afraid of, Lone Reader? Has it changed over time?

When I was younger, (notice I said “young-er” not “young”) (delusional – ed.) I was terrified of spiders. Even small spiders scared me. Did it help that my dad would chase me around with any spider that he had caught inside the house? No, it did not. Years later my daughter developed a love of bugs and I found myself reading books like “Tarantulas: They’re so Dang Cute” and “Brownie Recluse Finds a Friend”. I am not so scared of a common house spider now; I’m actually okay with squishing them myself. (I’m not a carry-the-bug-outside type of gal. I want the other creepy crawlies to see the mangled corpse and recognize it as a prescient totem of what happens inside this house.)

I’m still terrified of haunted houses. I know, you’re thinking, “One is supposed to be scared of such things, Velma.” Well, my mom put me and my freakishly gigantic now-we-know-what-ADHD-is neighbor Annie Sue on a haunted house ride at a county carnival when we were not yet in Kindergarten. It was pitch black inside, with crazy noises. When one of the scary guys reached out and touched our hair, we stopped crying and started screaming. He started telling us to calm down it was okay, but you know, it’s hard to absorb that lesson when it’s being taught by a teenager in zombie makeup. I have no desire to ever, ever go in a haunted house.

Hmm…writing about fears seems to have brought to the fore the really bizarre parenting I endured. Oh well, on the whole I turned out okay and I think those are both fears I can live with. Oh sure, I have the standard parenting fears – Will my kids be healthy? What if they take drugs? What if they won’t share? – but I think in general I’m pretty fearless. I know I’ll go in a shark cage at some point in my life. I’ve committed (at least in my mind) to sky-diving. I can take down a sketchy employee in a heartbeat. What more do you need in life? How many spider-filled haunted houses are there in the world?

Stay brave, little soldier and watch out! The call is coming from inside the house!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Sea Monkey Class Action Suit


Frida and the Brine Shrimp by Kipling West

Official Legal Notice: Were you ever disappointed by “Sea Monkeys”? Do you feel like your life has taken a hollow and disturbing course because that first crushing disappointment of finding out that Sea Monkeys don’t wear crowns and do tricks? Can your first foray into booze be linked to the hours spent trying to teach tricks to brine shrimp? Let me know. I think we’ve got to recognize the trauma induced lo those many years ago and the only balm to sooth these ancient wounds is cold hard cash.


From the official Sea Monkeys website:
Sea-Monkeys® are a true miracle of nature. They exist in suspended animation inside their tiny eggs for many years. The instant-life crystals, in which the eggs are enclosed, preserve their viability and help to extend still further their un-hatched life span! Sea-Monkeys are real Time-Travelers asleep in biological time capsules for their strange journey into the future!

 The joy of watching Sea-Monkeys grow offers a lot more than just pure fun. It is one of the outstanding educational experiences of a lifetime, because the entire life-cycle of these unique creatures are fully recreated. Conceived in 1960 as a biological novelty, the “fantasy” has transformed into brilliant reality.

My Sea Monkey experience is almost universal:
I fell in love with the sweet-faced family in the back of a comic book. Doing tricks? Trainable? Enjoyment for hours? Sweet Jesus, sign me up! Imagine my surprise when, upon finally receiving said pets, I discovered that they actually resemble motes of dust floating on the lemonade at Shakey's Pizza. Where were the crowns? The Poseidon-like sceptre? I needed something to staunch the searing pain in my 7-year-old heart…I took my first hit of angel dust that very morning.

Join me, Lone Reader, as we confront the very sea beasts that left us these shallow hulls of humans.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Random Thoughts


- Isaac Hayes died yesterday...he was one bad mutha. Here's hopin' for lots o' foxy chicks in heaven.

- Does anyone else find it crazy that the match.com ad says, "If you don't find someone in the first 6 months, the next 6 are free"? If you don't like this carp (yes, I said carp) we'll give you a double portion...

- According to an AP story, scientists are close to creating a compound that cloaks 3D objects, rendering them invisible. Why are they working on this when the Jetsons promised there'd be personal jet packs by now?!

- Did you watch the Frenchies get their comeuppance in last night's 400 meter relay last night? "Smash the Americans" indeed! I will say, I find the "countdown 'til the next glimpse of Michael Phelps" that NBC keeps up is REALLY tiring. And Michael Phelps, pull up your suit. I mean, I don't want to sound like a curmudgeon, but really, we don't need to know that much about you.

- There's a nice article in the NYT about Edward Hopper's paintings of Cape Cod and how those landscapes have changed over the years. I miss the ocean sooo much. (Beware, the story has auto audio.)

- Also in the NYT, Jane Brody's article on coffee's health benefits. Okay, there are also some detriments listed, thus the title "Sorting Out Coffee's Contradictions" but I read it as "Yay for Caffeine!"

- And in another AP story, St. Paul teens are caught when police followed the orange Cheetos trail leading from the vandalized snack machine at Arlington Rec. right to the three teens with orange fingers. That's why you gotta go with Bugles, boys...you can pop them over your fingernails and turn into a super hero that can scratch out of any sitch. Plus, no tell-tale orange dust. (Was that a Poe story?)

- I had a great weekend, very low-key and I'm looking forward to my niece's third birthday tomorrow. Today I took my dog to the vet and he does have cataracts. He is mainly blind. He had some bloodwork done, then I got a referral to a veterinary opthamologist. Jinkies! That sounds expensive, doesn't it? We'll see (no pun intended.)

Happy Monday, Lone Reader! You rock!

Friday, August 8, 2008

In mourning

for John Edwards' political career. Sure, you can be forgiven for an affair, but cheating on your wife while she publicly battles an extremely virulent form of cancer? Sorry, dude. Your Mr. Nice Guy days are over. It's too bad - I liked a lot of his ideas, and had secretly hoped for an Obama/Edwards ticket. (I know, it wasn't going to happen anyway.) Since having a baby, the other woman has lived in a serious of swanky homes under assumed names. Edwards has said that he didn't pay for them, but admits that some of his associates may have helped her financially without telling him about it. :sigh: Are there good guys left out there?


On the plus side, at least it wasn't Obama.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Wo-arrrr!


He's been found! Yay! After calling the restaurant, searching at the political headquarters and the mid-century furniture store, the Lego Chewbacca was found...in my son's pocket.

Kings of the Road


Mini-Roadtrip Part 1.

Well, Lone Reader, it’s been a long trip, 4ril. On Tuesday morning I took off with the kids for House on the Rock in Wisconsin. Yes, it IS 4 hours away. For those of you not familiar with this behemoth, it is the most popular privately-owned attraction in Wisconsin. (According to them anyway.) It is a house built by one Mr. Alex Jordan after being dissed by local architect and luminary Frank Lloyd Wright. The original house does feel like a crappy version of a FLW house – low-slung and Japanese-y. After the original house, you go through the collection rooms. It seems Mr. Jordan and later his son collected all sorts of stuff – parts of old cars, mechanical banks, jewelry store displays, carousel horses, etc. Room after room of this stuff kept the kids entertained and makes me think of all the stuff I want to get rid of when I get home. (No hoarding syndrome here, pal.) It was interesting to me to see the obvious anti-Semitism of the antique jewelry store displays…am I the only person who noticed that?


Some of the displays are incredibly weird - this goat girl plays a mechanical fiddle. A reference to the profane nature of man? Nero? The perv who lives in Apt. 113? I dunno. It does take an incredibly long time to get through the whole thing and the cheesiness of the displays wears on one after awhile. Some of the things displayed are authentic, some are fakes, but there’s no labeling to let you know. By the end you’re praying for relief and to feel the warmth of the sun on your face. (The whole place is super dark.) Nonetheless, I’ve always been a sucker for the trappings of the insane and this place surely qualifies. (Get me to a grotto and I’ll be yours for life.) The kids really loved it.

Mini-Roadtrip Part 2.

After an evening’s rest at a lovely Best Western (seriously, it was a lovely Best Western!) we headed to Cave of the Mounds. This was, for me, the best part of our little jaunt. It’s an interesting cave that was discovered in 1939 by quarry workers blasting. By 1940 thousands of visitors had traipsed through the cave. We were there yesterday and we had a lovely tour, given by a woman who had been a cave guide when she was a teen in the 50s and now has returned to work in her retirement. She was very informative, and gave us a lot of background about the ways the cave has changed in the last 50 years. The grounds are magnificently planted with prairie restoration and lots of attention to detail, and the gift shop features minerals, fossils and gemstones more prominently than the usual tschockes. I will say, it’s ridiculous to go to a cave and have the guide constantly point out “the eagle”, the “breakfast table” and silly interpretations like that. We get it – just like clouds – you see what you’re looking for. There were no colored lights or big swells of music on the tour, though, which I appreciated. (I still remember going to Meremac Caverns as a kid and seeing the light show on a stalactite formation while Kate Smith’s “God Bless America” blared over loudspeakers.) Cave of the Mounds was all very earnest and low-key, which was nice.


On the way back we stopped in Mount Horeb to go to the World Famous Mustard Museum. Very funny, I must say. I spent an insane amount of time trying to decide whether or not to buy my ex-father-in-law a fake diploma from “Poupon U.” Ultimately, it was not to be. I did buy some mustard from the vending machine, though. (!) They take their condiments seriously in Mount Horeb.

We then started the long, long trip home. Part of 94 is down to one lane, and the kids were beyond surly to be sitting at a dead stop. (I, on the other hand, was thrilled.) I slept like a baby on Benadryl last night and today, I’m fresh as a daisy, fit as a fiddle, and many other clich├ęs you can imagine.

Sadly a Lego Chewbacca was lost today. We’ve had many frantic searches and tearful outbursts. He was a good Wookie…we’ll miss him so. Keep your powder dry, Lone Reader and more soon! (heart), Velma

Monday, August 4, 2008

What is it girl? Did Timmy break his nose?


So much to report, Lone Reader!

I did a little back-to-school shopping with one of my very best pals, one Miss Rib-Eye. It was brief, but so much fun. Okay, it wasn’t all that productive, but still, monster fun. She also gave me my b-day gifts including the most revolting smelling product this side of rotting pigeons – bacon mints! I love them! Allow me to clarify - I love the idea of them and I love their charming little tin...they taste like dirty *ss and Listerine. I’ve made just about everyone I know smell the nauseating contents of this darling thing. Oh the merriment I’ve had – thank you, Miss Rib-Eye!

I watched the documentary Crazy Love this weekend. I highly recommend this breathtaking work. It’s truly astonishing story with so many bizarre characters that it’s difficult to believe. I won’t reveal the big twists and turns, but will say to stay with it through the fairly slow first part of the narrative.

I also saw a Fringe Festival play, Deviants by Live Action Set. Was it good? Absolutely. Would I want to see it again? No way. It’s not for the faint of heart and definitely not for children. It left me speechless – not an easy task.

I sold my Ting Ting tickets for tonight on craigslist. Man, there were a lot of people wanting to go! I was offered a small fortune for the tickets, but went down the list of responses in order and sold them for face plus ticketmaster to a guy who really wanted to go. All’s well, blah, blah, blah.

Sadly, custody problems have reared their ugly mugs and I find myself spending time and other such rare resources to deal with it. It’s very trying.

Thus, no Elvis Cake yet!! I am so fried by work and the post-divorce crazy that it’s been all I can do to get the laundry done. So, in lieu of Elvis Cake pix, I give you a TRUE STORY:

When I first moved to MN, I had a beloved pug, Billy. My then-spouse worked second shift, and one cold and icy night I decided to take the dog out for a brisk walk late at night. The air was a little painful in the lungs, but it was so beautiful out. I decided to run. If you know me, you know how ludicrous this is – the last time I ran was a decade before when a cab driver in Italy chased me. Not to mention trying to get what is basically a lapdog to run in a Minnesota winter.

I not-so-wisely put on my big wool mittens and headed out. All was well until about three blocks from my house. I hit a patch of ice and fell forward. Of course I caught myself on my hands…which slipped on the ice (thank you mittens!) and made my head snap back then down on the pavement like I was being hammered in a wrestling ring. (or so I’m told) I felt like an ice pick was in my nose, my head hurt and there was blood everywhere. Billy! Billy?! Where was the dog? Of wait, I loved him so much that I still had the end of his leash wrapped around my palm. She went down, but saved her dog…that’s right, the same dog that, as I lay face down, dazed on the sidewalk, walked over to me with such concern and love in his eyes as he started lapping at the steaming puddle of my sticky blood on the sidewalk. No Lassie here, my friends, just a pug that was real thirsty after being dragged outside for a midnight run.