Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Sea Monkey Class Action Suit

Frida and the Brine Shrimp by Kipling West

Official Legal Notice: Were you ever disappointed by “Sea Monkeys”? Do you feel like your life has taken a hollow and disturbing course because that first crushing disappointment of finding out that Sea Monkeys don’t wear crowns and do tricks? Can your first foray into booze be linked to the hours spent trying to teach tricks to brine shrimp? Let me know. I think we’ve got to recognize the trauma induced lo those many years ago and the only balm to sooth these ancient wounds is cold hard cash.

From the official Sea Monkeys website:
Sea-Monkeys® are a true miracle of nature. They exist in suspended animation inside their tiny eggs for many years. The instant-life crystals, in which the eggs are enclosed, preserve their viability and help to extend still further their un-hatched life span! Sea-Monkeys are real Time-Travelers asleep in biological time capsules for their strange journey into the future!

 The joy of watching Sea-Monkeys grow offers a lot more than just pure fun. It is one of the outstanding educational experiences of a lifetime, because the entire life-cycle of these unique creatures are fully recreated. Conceived in 1960 as a biological novelty, the “fantasy” has transformed into brilliant reality.

My Sea Monkey experience is almost universal:
I fell in love with the sweet-faced family in the back of a comic book. Doing tricks? Trainable? Enjoyment for hours? Sweet Jesus, sign me up! Imagine my surprise when, upon finally receiving said pets, I discovered that they actually resemble motes of dust floating on the lemonade at Shakey's Pizza. Where were the crowns? The Poseidon-like sceptre? I needed something to staunch the searing pain in my 7-year-old heart…I took my first hit of angel dust that very morning.

Join me, Lone Reader, as we confront the very sea beasts that left us these shallow hulls of humans.


SMarty said...

Gawd, I love the way you write!!

Velma said...

Aww, SMarty...you're too kind! Had any bacon or broiled brine shrimp lately?

drumsandcoffee said...

I had a similar experience with "X-Ray Spex". Upon receipt of the magical binoculars, I quickly learned that they did not allow me to see beneath girls' clothes as the ad promised. (OK - maybe it wasn't promised, but it was implied)
- The perv in 113