Thursday, January 28, 2010

Punxsutawney Phil Releases Letter to PETA

With regard to this news item

Dear PETA,

I know you're only thinking of me. When you say "Groundhogs are typically shy animals" you are absolutely correct. My cousin Elliot is crazy shy. Like "needs-meds" shy. Like "can't-even-get-with-a-blind-squirrel-on-St. Paddy's Day" shy. Me, not so much. I'm pretty happy to be yanked out of my burrow - I mean it's only once a year. I get hoisted in the air - it's kind of like I'm Simba. Sure, the guy in the top hot has cold hands. But have you seen the crowds? Thousands of people come to see me! Last year Al Roker kissed me! (Okay, put that one in the pro-animatronic category.) Seriously, you cannot buy this kind of coverage. (I'm working on a plan with Archer Daniels Midland to bleach a logo on my fur.)

Besides, did you hear what William Deeley, president of the Inner Circle of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, replied? He said I am "being treated better than the average child in Pennsylvania." You KNOW that's true. If you don't believe it, look at the tooth decay rate here - I mean, Hershey's AND Peeps from the same state?! Taylor Swift's blinding white chiclet teeth didn't come from being raised in Reading, PA, I'll tell you that much.

The final word to you, PETA - go after some other animal's holiday. I hear the Easter Bunny is pretty pissed off - go work for him. Leave me my one day.

Love always,

Punxsutawney Phil

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